It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn

What a year.

Shake It Out by Florence + The Machines is my song for myself at the moment.

This Christmas, I feel, was filled with the entire spectrum of emotions - so much love and so much pain. So much sorrow and so much gratitude. It was a happy - sad holiday. Life hasn't exactly been that easy for a lot of people but, I realized that that's okay. That's life.

2013 is almost over and I'm thankful for the awesome & horrible year that it was. I'm thankful for the the countless pain - filled moments as well as all of those that were just filled with love.

Pain. Change. Growth. Choices. Tears. Joy.

Thank God for the year.

But, it's time to look ahead.

I wanna be excited for life again.
I wanna be genuinely happy again.

I wanna love life the way I used to,
And live life with the passion I once had.

I guess this is my I'm - gonna - change - my - life - again song.

Because that's what I plan to do.

In 2014, things are gonna get better.
:)

Looove is All You Neeed

With my sister.

With my mom and number one caregiver.

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I doubt we'll ever be able to fully understand why God allows certain things to happen. It can be very frustrating. You're left to think all sorts of things and ask all sorts of questions but, the most agonizing one of all is why - because I don't think there's a clear cut answer to that. We kind of have to figure that part out for ourselves. Of course, there's also what if, which is just as much torture because we're really never gonna know.

The during part is the worst. In the midst of all the pain, you force yourself to see things in an optimistic point of view. You tell yourself that it's gonna be fine. That you're fine. And it works, sometimes. You try to distract yourself with other things in order to avoid your own thoughts and emotions. It'll hurt too much and weigh you down, much lower.

While something bad is happening, it's quite hard to see the light. Afterwards, however, it gets a little easier. :)

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"Dad, why do you keep taking pictures?!"

"Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if is's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place." 

- The Shank-WM. Paul Young

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[ By the way, I'm laughing in that photo. Haha. ]

Anyway, I recently received a question on my ask.fm that made me super, duper happy. Like, I literally said "Aww" with a smile after re-reading my answer. Hehehe.

What's the best feeling ever? 

I love this question. I have a lot, I think. But I think this is the bestest.

Realizing that you are loved... it's probably the best-est-est. There's that security... that no matter how ugly you look in a hospital gown, no matter how much you cry, no matter how many times you fail and basta... no matter what, you've got the bestest friends and the bestest family and the most amazing God and they're never gonna love you any less. :)

 There. At the end of every day, my hospital room was filled with so much love - and so much more food. Haha! There's always a pretty great feeling that comes with the realization that you've got people who will be there for you no matter what. You've been blessed with people who will love you no matter what...

Even if you get sick again and again and again [ I'M SORRY FAMILY ]
Even if loving you costs so much [ I'M SORRY PARENTS ]
Even if you'll need a lot of help in school [ I'M SORRY FRIENDS ]
Even if your heart turns to stone and you stop praying [ I'M SORRY GOD ]
Even if you try to shut everyone out [ I'M SORRY EVERYONE ]

One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that despite everything unlovable about you, you are still loved. With that comes assurance, security, contentment, gratitude... and well, to be honest, I really don't know if there's anything that matters more. :)

I guess "the light" that I mentioned earlier involved people. Maybe, for the nth time, God wanted me to know that it was okay to need people. I couldn't do things alone - and that's fine.  A good friend of mine shared her story before and said  something that hit home.

"God brought me down very low for me to realize that I couldn't bear the weight of my life alone - and for me to realize that I didn't have to." 

- Arianna Zamora, 2013

Pride is Taking Less Than You Need

There are times when you know exactly what you need and how much you need it. There's a clear picture in your head of how much easier life would be if you just humble myself and either ask for help or accept an offer or just do that thing that [ you know ] would make things easier.

Life could be that simple.
But, it isn't.

It isn't simple for people who are too proud to admit that they can no longer take it.
Because they will suffer silently for a long, long time, until they really can't anymore. And that's when they'll admit it.

It isn't simple for people who are too proud to ask for help.
Because they will strive to do things on their own, until they're left with absolutely no choice but to ask.

It isn't simple for people who are too proud to accept the love and care that other people give.
Because they will deny the fact that they need it to pull through, until circumstances force them to let people in.

They push, until they really can't.
They wait, until they really can't.
They fight, until they really can't.
They protect their pride, until they really can't.

Meanwhile, they take less than they really need.

How Am I Gonna Be An Optimist About This?

Please excuse my 2 AM feels.
As well as my redundant use of words I'm too lazy to find alternatives for due to the fact that it is... 2 AM.
Please and thank you.

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"If you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like you've been here before?"

-Pompeii by Bastille

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Don't you just love and hate how some songs kind of steal your messed up thoughts and perfectly word it out for you? You claim it as your own because it seems as though the universe had carefully planned out a way for the perfect song to play at the most opportune moment for you. Then, you kind of freak out, call that possibly purely coincidental moment a sign and then, you come up with some meaningful explanation for it. Oh, people... or... oh, me... Anyway, I'm going off track here.

Back to my main point.

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optimism

ˈɒptɪmɪz(ə)m/

noun

hopefulness and confidence about the future or the success of something.

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So, my ultimate solution to all life problems is kind of starting to lose its magic powers.

It used to work all the time.
Looking at the bright side is kind of... supposed to be my thing.
Many times, it's easy. And automatic. Second nature, I guess.
But, I guess it gets hard when life does.

And just like how, uhm, wheels get all old and need to get changed after a billion revolutions, so does my game plan for, uhm, coping with life.

I guess I have to change my approach or something. I don't know.

Who's that scientist that said you can't do the same thing over and over again, and expect the same results? Hm. Can't remember. Anyway...

I'm kind of starting to find difficulty in differentiating optimism from denial.
Although I'm a self proclaimed expert at practicing the former, that expertise is kind of failing me now.
Because I may have mistaken one for the other and only now am I realizing that I've been practicing the latter all along.

So, yeah.
The blog title says it all I guess.
I'm just trying to figure out my game plan.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

I don't know yet.

Maybe I should distract myself and focus on happy things for now?
Hmmm....

Oh my gosh.

Is that being optimistic? Or being in denial?
Ugh. Whatever. That's the plan for now.
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It is probably best that I go to bed.
Goodnight.

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ONCE AGAIN

Please excuse my 2 AM feels.
As well as my redundant use of words I'm too lazy to find alternatives for due to the fact that it is... 2 AM.
Please and thank you.

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Creativity at Its Real-est [Reposted]

[ I wrote this entry on May 2012 on my old blog and decided to re-post it because it's how I feel now.  Weird how my feelings seem to go around in cycles... just like my profile pictures, haha... so, I can just re-use old material in order for me to express them huhu. Anyway, I'm basically trying to get over my fear of unsatisfactory output so, here. Uhhhh happy reading, I guess. Haha. ]

"Why do I keep evading my work?

Is it because I'm afraid of being confronted by my lack of abilities?"

- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex in the City

(perfect example of the ugly-but-REAL type of art)

I guess I’m the type of person who strives to get better all the time… at specific things or better, as a person in general.  I've made a billion lists of places to go, things to do, things to improve on, ways to improve on them and things like that.

Learn how to paint. Learn how to draw people. Learn how to do this. Learn how to do that… Those things are always on the list. I never wanted to learn formally though because I really wasn’t  fond of rules and restrictions. I just wanted to learn in my own way and in my own time. (And sometimes, that’s a bad thing.)

Unfortunately, I was also the type of person who disowned “ugly” art. I never wanted to be associated with anything "below satisfactory." Ang yabang. Huhu shame.  There were many instances when I didn’t even finish what I was working on because I felt the outcome wouldn’t look good. Once there was a trace of ugly, I’d get so frustrated. Feeling all discouraged, I’d either leave it unfinished or throw it away. That way, no one would have to see it and I wouldn’t ever be reminded of my failure as an artist again.

But after reading Creativity is a Verb by Patty Digh, my entire perspective on art changed. The book was basically about how we should all just stop focusing on the outcome and start being real. There’s a big difference between drawing just cause you want to and drawing cause you want to show people that you can. The former allows you to enjoy the process while the latter just causes you to stress over the outcome.

(Journey over destination. Process over outcome.)

The message of the book was pretty simple… if you want to paint, then paint! It’s perfectly normal for your first try to be far from a masterpiece but, if you make that your standard and refuse to paint unless the outcome is a masterpiece, then you’ll never paint. That was my problem. I feared my own failure. I knew, for example, that I couldn’t draw people well. And because of that, I never drew people. (I drew robots instead, haha.)

I didn’t fail… because I didn’t try. But, I didn’t get to learn either.

That book taught me to stop sugar coating my thoughts and ideas. To draw whatever I feel like drawing, even if other people might not understand what it is. To write exactly what I want to write, no matter how stupid or confusing it might seem in the end. I learned that creativity isn’t about a perfect outcome, or being as good as those award – winning artists. It’s about acknowledging and accepting yourself with all your crazy thoughts, ideas and imperfections.

For so many people, myself included, art is a way to express yourself when words aren’t enough. And that honesty is precisely what makes it so beautiful.

[ I should try it more often. ]

Ignore all the critics. Stop all the measurement. Detach from outcome.

Life's Quite Frustrating (But, It's Fine)

Oh, nothing...

It's just one of those nights wherein you plan to sleep before 12 and end up thinking about everything you want to do in life as well as the possibility of not ever being able to. You end up thinking about the standards you set for yourself and how you might never be able to meet them.

It's scary how fast things can change and how everything can sort of just... backfire. And you know. Explode in your face and stuff. Life kind of punishes those who dare think that they can truly have their way. It's also pretty deceptive. Things turn around when you least expect them to.

I guess I already learned that a long time ago but unfortunately, in order for the stubborn to truly learn, they need to be taught more than once. And apparently, three times isn't enough for some.

It really isn't fair though. I mean, you teach yourself to accept a certain set of circumstances. Your circumstances. Whatever they may be. Eventually, you grow accustomed to them, learn to love them and then, you actually enjoy them. And then, as if on cue, things change.

Yup. Something comes up that will force you to reformat your game plan for the future and add even more factors and possibilities to the equation that is your life. In an instant, things are out of your hands. It's no longer your call. Like a hard slap on the face, a huge blow to your pride and giant reminder that you're not as strong as you think you are.

You're not superwoman.

......................As much as I hate to admit it, I really wish I was. Superwoman, I mean. Well, sometimes at least. If only I could do everything I want to do, say everything I want to say, be who I truly want to be **add more cheesy life stuff here** and I wish I could just give my 100% and not have to face the consequences of doing so! If only I would just stop giving less than my all, knowing that I can do so much more and yet fearing what might happen if I push myself too much and too hard. What am I saying? I don't even know anymore. 

Oh no. It's 3:26 am.

Please know that whenever I let myself truly feel the sadness I usually runaway from, I do so with the certainty that things will get better **add even more cheesy life stuff here** and to accept that life is just a giant, ugly, beautiful, horrible, amazing mess is probably the only way to stay sane.

(In other words, don't worry about me, I'm fine. Goodnight!)

Post - Sem Realizations

This post is a week late but, I've been wanting to write about everything for toooo long.
Because tooo much has happened and toooo much is happening.
And I really need to pause and process everything. Haha.

This is how our dining table looked during the finals week of last semester,
on the night before the deadline of all three final plates.
x_x

All throughout the sem, I was tired and sleep - deprived but still, I couldn't complain. Well, fine. I did complain but, I shouldn't have because it was my fault for choosing to get into so many non - academic activities. And I guess I was surviving. Haha. However, in the latter part of September, instructions for all the final requirements were given and the deadlines were set. After compiling it all in one neat list, I got totally overwhelmed.

It. Was. Just. Too. Much.

Do you know that feeling when you have a billion things to do but, you just can't do any of them? You just sit there and stare into space and think about which  plate to start working on or which paper to start writing. You contemplate on whether it's better to start studying for your org interview the next morning or your math finals the day after. Or if it's better to just stop everything and follow your heart... and chill with your friends or your family OR SLEEP, cause obviously that's all you wanna do. Haha!

Half the time, you're paralyzed, thinking about your game plan. You're just worrying or complaining about the amount of work there is but, it takes a while for you to actually DO anything. It's like you need just as much time for mental and emotional preparation, as for the actual execution of the tasks.

Well, at least that's how it is for me. :( I write the things to do again and again and break it all down to sub points, with the hopes that by doing so, the tasks will magically get.. uhm... easier and less scary. Haha. 

Oh yeah. What was both a blessing and a curse was the fact that I had to finish everything the day before the actual deadline because my sister and I had to leave for the airport at 3 AM on that fjdfalnmlmdk triple submission day... so, yeah.

Everyone was stressing out though. Not just me. You know that it's already finals week when the students start disappearing at the arki building. Haha. That's the indicator... it means everyone's "working" haha. There were many people suffering from Math 53, Physics 71 and Arch 4... subjects that will kill me later on in my UP Arki life. Haha.... anyway.
(Sorry I keep saying haha....)

"I lost count of how many times I've gone through the stress cycle wherein you have no idea how you're gonna pull something off at first and then you feel like you're on top of the world once you actually do."

That's what I wrote in my July blog. Imagine how many times we all went through the stress cycle since then... @-)

It feels as though it was just yesterday when I was freaking out about having to take 4 majors and panicking about how in the world I'd pull everything off.

And then, there was that beautiful, wonderful, awesome, amazing, moment... when I handed over my plates at 2:30 in the morning and thought...

"Oh my gosh. I did it."

Just like that and it's all over. I submitted the stress along with all the plates and sem break has been pretty great! For two weeks straight, I was basically in panic mode, working like a machine, with barely any sleep. (Except for the times I took naps that were ideally meant to be only 10 minutes long. Hehez.) and immediately after that, I went on a trip with my sister that made up for every single stressful moment in the past semester worth it. Hahaha.

 Isn't it weird? How fast life just switches from stress mode to chill mode and back? I can't get over it. I can't get over the fact that it's done... because honestly, I know that there are much harder things in life but... that was pretty challenging okay! :( So I'm just so, so, super happy it's done. Allow me to be happy before I start thinking of how difficult next sem will be haha.... huhu but, I guess I'll just have to take the same mindset with me. I just have to live with the awareness that whatever I'm going through is temporary. And because it's 10:09 PM and I'm getting sleepy, I shall just quote my old blog again hehehez

"Things pass. That's the lesson. No matter how stressed you are RIGHT NOW, it's going to pass. Your horrible schedule will only last for one semester and so will the reign of your terror prof. Haha! The tension you feel over an exam will vanish after you've taken it and it will be replaced by the best calmness in the world - which will also vanish when the next challenge arrives."

Again, I wanna end with my extremely effective note to self - and what I re-realized after seeing how it all panned out...

It always seems impossible until it is done.

Congrats to everyone. We're all one sem closer to getting out of college, yaaay! Heehee. Goodnight. :)

PS. I will never pray for a challenge again. Hahaha jk

Ilocos Hangover

Am I the only one that finds photos like this beautiful? 

Nothing extraordinary, I know.

But, I can't explain what it is about it that lights my heart up and stuff.

Maybe, it's how blue the sky is.

Or how smooth and vast the ocean seems.

Maybe, it's the sand or the railing on the left.

Or that little patch of green that balances it all out.

OR

Perhaps it's how that entire scene looks in comparison to what surrounds us everyday.

In contrast our daily destinations, it's so beautiful and special.

So much that it hurts.

Well...

At least, it does when you remember that it had already passed and that you're back to the routine that is your life.

HAHAHA

Okay, this is too dramatic.

I'm exaggerating a bit.

Well, that was Ilocos for me, I guess.

A weekend of amazing architecture, awesome people, and just super good vibes.

From Friday night to Monday morning, we practically lived in our bus - where we all got more sleep than we did the entire week, which was pretty obvious in everyone's candid sleeping shots. Hahaha!

We visited a billion old churches over the duration of the trip and in every single one, I thanked God for orchestrating each and every step that led me there.

(I'm trying not to be cheesy right now...)

But, yeah. I was pretty happy.

Still am.

Taken by Giselle Sta Anna

Tourist shot at the Paoay Church

One of my favorite photos by the Ilocos Windmills

Pa-cool at Pagudpod

At our bus - home for the weekend, haha.

Just new friends and good vibes!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So much has been happening that I rarely find the time to blog but, this trip was worth blogging about, I guess. To be honest, I was actually quite surprised at how it turned out. As opposed to what I heard from upperclassmen, everyone behaved like sweet little angels on the last night, despite all the uhm.... water. Hahaha! Good friends, good conversations, good vibes. It couldn't have been better.

Now, that that's over... it's time for me to get my head out of the past and into the now!!

Because right now, I have to pack.

And prepare well for tomorrow's long awaited adventure. <3

Oh, life is good. :)

Because It's Been Too Long

Polaroids from this new life, haha!

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been since my last entry. More than a month! The reason being that I haven't had any time to write since I entered UP - where I am simultaneously suffering and having the time of life!

Too much has happened in the past month. Let me just speed through it all....

• I met so many new people whom I learned to love in such a short period of time!
• I attended several seminars - for one, we had to wear corporate attire, which was pretty cool.
• The number of members of our youth group nearly doubled!
• I'm a much better and a much more legit driver now!!
• I've subtly injected a few girly items into my wardrobe. HAHA And I wear girly tops without getting forced now. What a miracle!
• I now understand that there's a lot more to UP JMA that just the parties. I'm happy I decided to apply for it cause I've been meeting great people and learning so much.
• ASAPHIL - UP is another highlight. I'm loving their app process so far!

ASAPHIL - UP Apps Team Building

• Already, I had two weeks with just 2-3 hours of sleep each night. Legit. There were even one or two nights where I worked straight from the afternoon till school time the next day, with a couple of 15 minute naps every few hours. The work load is crazy!
• Consequently, I fell asleep in 3 parties..... because, you know, it's not really my thing? Sleeping, on the other hand, is.

At URBN :(
(At least my friends didn't leave me! HAHAHA)

• It dawned on me that my stress level is directly proportional to my weight loss. In the last four weeks, I lost weight, gained it back then, lost and gained again. It's scary. 
• Also, I lost count of how many times I've gone through the stress cycle wherein you have no idea how you're gonna pull something off at first and then you feel like you're on top of the world once you actually do.

Basically...... I love UP. Haha! Every week is so filled with ups and downs, moments of ultimate chill vibes and moments of over the top STRESS! Remind me never to pray for a challenge again because God totally answered my prayer this time. With every week, comes a new challenge. It's overwhelming and scary and tiring and horrible and... great.

#WhatIsWrongWithMe

Maybe, I missed this feeling? Maybe, I'm only so happy about everything because it's just the start? I'm a hundred percent sure I'm gonna be crying about all these challenges some time in the hopefully - not - so - near future. Just saying. Forgive my half asleep thoughts.

Anyway, I just want to share one of the lessons I learned from all this.

Things pass. That's the lesson. No matter how stressed you are RIGHT NOW, it's going to pass. Your horrible schedule will only last for one semester and so will the reign of your terror prof. Haha! The tension you feel over an exam will vanish after you've taken it and it will be replaced by the best calmness in the world - which will also vanish when the next challenge arrives.

In my case, I lost a lot of weight... freaked out about it.... and then, gained it all back. I worried so much about the first plate we had 1 week to work on... and now we're already doing our 3rd one. There are a lot of things on my mind now: things due this week, my Math 17 exam on Friday, all the tasks for the orgs I'm applying for, what I'm doing next weekend, what my game plan for our current Arch 21 plan is and basically, how I'll freakin survive this sem.... All that's going on in my head and I'm trying to remind myself that IT. WILL. PASS. And I'll pull through. :(

This is one of my favorite quotes and my forever - note to self:
It always seems impossible until it is done.

Here's to the challenging week ahead!

The Undying Wish List: Things I Will Always Want

I've been told that I'm super easy to please and give gifts to. On my 18th birthday, for example, my smile went from ear to ear when a friend of mine handed me two boxes of Nerds. Yup, that's all it took, haha! On that same day, another friend took out a Muji notebook from his backpack and held it out with a giant smug face on... because he knew how happy that little gift would make me - and yes, it did make my day extra great! Easy peasy.

In other words, I'm just like a five year old.
JOKE.

However, other people tell me that I'm really picky. Because, uhm, I'm not that into branded bags or jewelry or stuffed toys or make up or heels or certain types if not all chocolate in general... I guess some people just find it hard to believe that a box of Icebreakers would bring me as much happiness as a Prada bag would another girl. Or that giving me the right set of pens can make me love them forever.

HAHA Okay, I'm exaggerating. I'm not saying that I wouldn't ever in my life want to receive an expensive girly bag. Maybe, I would at age 20 or something. (Hint to certain important people in my life. Hello there.) 

But for now... these will definitely do!

(To be honest, I just had a random urge to make a wishlist. It's not even my birthday or Christmas or anything but, here it is anyway!)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Things I Can Use
Because I need lots of things to do lots of things...

PILOT G Tech Pens (0.3, 0.4 and 0.5)

Unipin disposal black pens (0.1 - 0.8)

Fujifilm Instax Polaroid Film (plain white)

MUJI sketchbooks (preferably the 150x100mm one heehee)

Plain/ solid colored Post Its

Art materials

Canvases

Plain recycled boxes

Books about architecture or art or life

Gift Certificates

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Things I Can Wear
Because a girl could always use another outfit.

KEDS Shoes (plain colors)

Sunglasses/ Shades (Rayban shape ONLY)

Simple dresses that don't make me look like I'm drowning in cloth haha

Bikinis (not the super showy, stringy type)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Things I Can Eat
Because to get to her heart, you must first satisfy her stomach.#AnoDaw

Oreo Cheesecake from Starbucks

Melty Kiss Plain Chocolate (red cover)

White Chocolate Mocha Frap Blended Coffee (Less Chocolate Drizzle) from Starbucks

Formosa Roast Black Milk Tea, 75% sugar, 1/2 Nata de Coco, 1/2 Pearl from Tea Tap

Fruit Roll Ups/ Foot long Roll Ups

Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape (specially the sour ones!)

Hubba Bubba Lollipops (the one with gum inside)

Icebreakers

Sour Skittles

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

THIS MAGIC LIST SHALL BE UPDATED AS NEEDED.
Heehee.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hohoho it's actually pretty fun to think about the things you want. You should totally try it. I LOVE going on dream mode... but, you should do it with happy vibes okay? Not the depressing reality - bites, unreachable - dreams, unattainable - goals, too - expensive, this - will - never - happen atmosphere. That'll kill the fun of it.  Because it is fun.

Dreaming is quite fun.

Aaaaaaand that's it.

Bye.

A Series of Fortunate Events... What's The Catch?

(I swear this blog was supposed to be short... I don't know what happened.)

"I got everything I ever wanted. I'm so happy... I'm terrified. No one gets everything they want...

...of course, something bad is going to happen to me."

-Charlotte of Sex and the City

. . . . .

This is a horrible way to think and to live. However, as much as I hate to admit it, what she said totally hit me. A lot of things in the past served as building blocks that have created this stupid perspective, despite the fact that I fight hard to push those memories down to the back of my mind where I'll have a hard time accessing them . Despite the fact that I know I shouldn't be thinking that way and I constantly try to fix how I think. And fix myself.

I constantly try to fix myself.

Life is always great until it isn't.

And my life always goes smoothly until something that never happens... happens.

But it's been a while and I thank God for that. He's been taking great care of me.

I've returned home from several trips without a scratch on my body and after bragging about that simple joy of mine, I was reminded that it was, in fact, normal for nothing bad to happen. And in my head, I think "Oh yeah. Sorry. I was just happy about it. That's all."

It's like I'm hesitant to fully soak into the OKAY-ness of my life right now and I don't know why. 

Everything's going well so far. I'm happy 80% of the time; lost in thoughts, questions and doubts during the other 10% but, that's normal, and the last ten is for those times when I cry for other people and get so caught up in their lives that it hurts me. But in general, I'm always happy. Always grateful. Always relieved when something that could have gone so badly turns out well or when something I thought would take countless hours only takes fifteen minutes or when I'm #160 in the line and they're already calling #154.

Always happy, always grateful but always walking on egg shells, praying to God that I don't step on the trigger of a nuclear bomb. Always tiptoeing my way through life, trying to prove that I'm not an accident waiting to happen and I'm not the key to Pandora's box and that I can do what they think I cannot do. Always finding myself between wide and narrow roads, choosing the wide ones at first because they look so nice and easy and then I end up trying to find my way through all the plants and thorns and shrubs just to get back to the freakin narrow road just because I couldn't get it out of my head.

I'm always happy, always grateful but always worried about losing the things that make me happy and the things I'm grateful for. Worried that things are too good to be true and somewhere along this streak of good fortune or this series of fortunate events is a scary monster waiting to tell me that I can't have everything I want after all. Waiting impatiently to take something away from me and make me pay for the good, happy, healthy life I've been living for a while and make me suffer for the fact that I haven't suffered in so long.

I got a little carried away over there. I don't know which thing I'm referring to anymore...

Forgive my imagination, it has a tendency to exaggerate my normal - human feelings and transform them into scary vivid motion pictures inside my brain which I try my very best to translate into words - a preventive measure to keep my head from exploding.

. . . . .

I'm in transition at the moment - in between processes, in between schools... I'm still quite surprised at how smoothly things have been going although, I have been praying like a trooper for the past months. I've been stumbling over one obstacle after another. Each one's getting bigger and scarier but, each gives more fulfillment than than the one before. Until I see the next obstacle up ahead and it scares me again but, I go anyway.

Things are going so well, it's freaking me out. It's not that I'm not happy about it and it's not that I'm not grateful... in case you didn't get to read the repetitive mentions above, haha!

I'm just mentally preparing myself for this narrow road to get narrower, for more nuclear bomb triggers hidden under egg shells I'm walking over, for the scary monster to get scarier and more impatient and have more vengeful things to say to me and for the key of Pandora's box to duplicate itself a thousand times making it easier for all the bad things to be unlocked and released into... my life.

But again...

THIS IS A HORRIBLE WAY TO THINK.

And then again...

I can't help but ask what the catch is this time!

There's always been a catch. I've always had to pay... something.

. . . . . 

But I know what I have to do anyway. And that makes me a walking contradiction but, I'm not denying it.

I'll take what I can get, hope for the best, be happy and grateful for every single blessing as of now but, be prepared for the worst of circumstances - not in a sadistic way but, in a way that will protect my heart from, getting hurt or being disappointed. (Saying all that makes me a talking cliche too but, I'm not denying that either. Oh well...)

Thank you Lord for answering almost every single prayer I've had for the past few months!!!

So, here's to this next week and how much it can affect the rest of my college life!

And here's to all my other concerns and how much it'll affect my life after that. 

Here's to the good things that have happened in the recent past and the not - so - good things that might happen in the near future....

But right now in this moment, as I think about everything that was and is to come later on, catch or no catch, I'm happy and truly grateful - always, always will be.

On Conquering Mt. Pulag

These are some of the photos taken by my brother
During one of those times we played the game:
Let's - Pretend - We're - Photographers & Models

. . . .

The photos above bear absolutely no relation to the text that follows. 

Heehee.

. . . . 

A month ago, I discovered how easy it is to book a vacation online. (Don't laugh at me, I'm not a tech girl.) I've always known that it was something people did all the time but, I've never gotten around to actually trying it out for myself until then. It's the type of thing that repels people by disguising itself as something difficult - and as Filipinos say it, masyadong matrabaho - but life recently taught me that you can make great things happen, if you're patient with the paperwork.

After a few texts, calls, e-mails, registration forms and bank deposits, our mini vacation was all set!

When: 05/17/13 - 9PM to 05/20/13 - 3AM

Where: Mt. Pulag National Park, Benguet

Why: Family Time/ Bucket List/ Why not?

Via ClubTravelNow

You should totally book with them!

Everyone's goal is to reach the top.

I vaguely remember what was running through my mind during the four hour hike. At one point, I was thinking about the people I wanted to climb my next mountain with... The weird - looking wild plants were also the subject of my thoughts for a while, as well as the logs on the ground that resembled octopus legs... Water, food, sleep, the sky, the cold, the heat, my cousins, Dora the Explorer... those things came across my mind too.

But 90% of the time, I just wanted to get to the top. IT WAS SO FREAKIN TIRING. There I was, somewhere along the trail, in between my two siblings who were way ahead of me and my parents who were far behind, wondering if we were anywhere near the summit and breathing in and out like it was my sole purpose in life to do so.

You sort of forget all the other things in life that stress you out because for the time being, the goal is to make it to the top.

And oh my gosh, words cannot express how great it felt to have been able to get there - in one piece and just in time for sunrise too!

I probably overuse the world beautiful - the same way I abuse the words love and hate and favorite... but, it's probably just my underdeveloped vocabulary because sometimes, I really struggle to find an alternative word to describe something that's so... beautiful!

BECAUSE IT WAS BEAUTIFUL UP THERE. I LOVED IT AND IT IS  NOW ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES IN LIFE.

. . . 

As I was taking everything in, I noticed that the mountains were as vast as the ones in New Zealand and that the air was as cold as the air in Japan. Distracted by those comparisons, I sort of had to remind myself that I was neither in New Zealand nor Japan.

I was here.

In the Philippines.

And that made me a really proud Filipino.

:)

Because our country is beautiful and I love it here!

5 Things That Secretly Make Me Super Happy

Well now, it's not exactly a secret anymore and I know this is random but, I just felt like making a happy list - because my morning plans were pushed later today and I had tea and had time to thank God for random happy things, haha!

1. When people think I'm an athlete or dancer, etc...

I have to hide my kilig face when people ask because NO, I am not an athlete and I am definitely not a dancer! There's a quote like that, I think. The greatest pleasure in life is being able to do what people say you cannot do - that also includes being able to trick people into thinking such! See, I'm the purple girl in the middle, wearing the volleyball jersey that isn't mine. Heehee.

2. Getting lots page views or comments on a blog :D

Or when people tell me that they love reading my blogs or that they can relate to this and that... or that they subscribed to the hidden e-mail thing. I get so, so awkwardly happy because it's one of my many secret dreams to be a writer! Shh... don't judge me.

3. Being super busy and stressing over worthwhile projects

My good friends know that I can't do nothing or be too chill - I have to have something going on. It's horrible, really but, I love it. I love good stress! The type that makes you bone tired but, heart happy. I'm sure many people are like this: they complain a lot along the way about all the hassles they have to go through for certain things but in truth, they wouldn't trade it in for the chill life.

BUT HEY.

This doesn't go for everything, okay? I'm not sadistic and I don't like emotional stress. Just the happy, healthy kind.

4. My Tiny Room/ Pseudo - Studio

I have the smallest room in the house that was once super tight because of my bed which used up all the space until I finally decided to sell it. I never needed a bed to sleep anyway! Haha, just kidding. Now, I have this little pretend - studio where I can make a big mess on the floor (or my cute Php 88.00 rubber mat that I randomly bought at Saizen) and stick things on the wall and stuff. Once my mom says anything that even slightly resembles an OKAY, I am going to paint the walls of my room - happy colors so that it makes me even happier than it already does!

5. Getting things WITHOUT having to work too hard

Forgive my horrible computer drawing skills, this was a random not - for - anything... thing. But, anyway. I always want to get better, be it at school or as a performer or whatever but, I imagine insta-results. However, I secretly love those rare times when we are spared from seriously hard work!

For example:

a. Getting a high grade even if you just shotgunned the whole test
b. When God magically plants a design in your mind. No sweat!
c. Giving the correct answer even if it was a total guess

There are many more moments like that - which I love BUT, I've learned that it's not good to be so spoiled. How will we handle tougher situations in life when we're so used to the easy route? As they say, "smooth seas don't make skillful sailors".  I have high respect for hard workers and everyday, I try to be one myself. Emphasis on the word TRY. Because as much as I love those awesome lucky moments and even if I don't want to work hard, I know that in this life I will have to. :)

---------------------------------------------

I may or may not have done this to remind myself not to let the stress of _____ get to me.

Either way... have a happy day!

Learning From The Best: My PETA Workshop Experience

One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that you held back... or that you could have done so much better or so much more if you weren't thinking so much about being able to speak Tagalog well or whatever.

However, what's done is done and although I'm pretty disappointed in myself as I always am after a performance, I''m really happy about how the entire experience turned out. People enjoyed the show, yay! The audience was very responsive all throughout the play, laughing during moments we didn't expect and stuff. And all of us wished we could do the show more than once because it was just really fun! Here are some of my favorite photos from the show, taken by Karl Nikolai Herrera Emerenciana. 

Rochelle proclaiming her love to childhood sweetheart, Alfred...

"Bilang panganay ay na sa aking kamay
Sisikapin kong lahat ay maibigay
Sa aking ina at mga kapatid
Saka na ang para sa sarili, para sa sarili..."

 Rochelle telling Steven about the water problem and sneaky Diego eves dropping at the back!

"Bestfriend, please do not leave me to deal with this foreign suitor!"

Best friends forever: Myleen and Rochelle

The entire PETA workshop highlighted both our strengths and weaknesses. It made known to us the things we should be proud of as well as the things we should, well, be more patient with ourselves for. The different activities revealed excellent writers, composers, dancers, singers, comedians and all sorts of talents and skills  just waiting to be discovered.

Ironically, one of the main things I learned is that there is still so much for me to learn. The main reason I signed up for the workshop, aside from the fact that I miss performing so much, is that I was sort of desperate to get out of my comfort zone, to do something completely new and not me and to just grow, you know? Well, I should really be careful about all this growth stuff that I keep wishing for because God keeps answering my prayers!

 Our amazing teachers, Maan Upeng and Sir Jeff, really squeezed the creative juices out of us. First of all, I've never spoken that much Tagalog in my whole life. That's probably the main reason why my friends watched me - because nobody believes that I can. :( Hahaha half joke.

Eto na nga...

Maliban sa pagsasalita sa Pilipino, sobrang dami ko pang natutunan.

Okay, wait never mind.

But yes, I learned a lot. Now, I have so much more respect for people who've chosen to pursue the arts instead of going the safe route. I don't think I'll ever be that brave but, it's inspiring to know that people like that exist. Some are just born for it, I guess... Apart from that, I learned how humbling it is to be in a room filled with people who are far more talented than we are. Intimidating too, definitely. However, sometimes we need it.

We need that smack in the face, that reminder that we aren't as great as we think or that there is still a whole lot of room for improvement. Sometimes, we need to humble ourselves and allow ourselves to be taught by people who truly know more than we do.

Thank you to Maam Upeng, Sir Jeff and the whole CMT family for a super great and enriching experience that I'll never ever forget! To all those people who are looking for something to do this summer, I recommend this. Sign up for next year's summer workshop!