How Am I Gonna Be An Optimist About This?

Please excuse my 2 AM feels.
As well as my redundant use of words I'm too lazy to find alternatives for due to the fact that it is... 2 AM.
Please and thank you.

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"If you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like you've been here before?"

-Pompeii by Bastille

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Don't you just love and hate how some songs kind of steal your messed up thoughts and perfectly word it out for you? You claim it as your own because it seems as though the universe had carefully planned out a way for the perfect song to play at the most opportune moment for you. Then, you kind of freak out, call that possibly purely coincidental moment a sign and then, you come up with some meaningful explanation for it. Oh, people... or... oh, me... Anyway, I'm going off track here.

Back to my main point.

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optimism

ˈɒptɪmɪz(ə)m/

noun

hopefulness and confidence about the future or the success of something.

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So, my ultimate solution to all life problems is kind of starting to lose its magic powers.

It used to work all the time.
Looking at the bright side is kind of... supposed to be my thing.
Many times, it's easy. And automatic. Second nature, I guess.
But, I guess it gets hard when life does.

And just like how, uhm, wheels get all old and need to get changed after a billion revolutions, so does my game plan for, uhm, coping with life.

I guess I have to change my approach or something. I don't know.

Who's that scientist that said you can't do the same thing over and over again, and expect the same results? Hm. Can't remember. Anyway...

I'm kind of starting to find difficulty in differentiating optimism from denial.
Although I'm a self proclaimed expert at practicing the former, that expertise is kind of failing me now.
Because I may have mistaken one for the other and only now am I realizing that I've been practicing the latter all along.

So, yeah.
The blog title says it all I guess.
I'm just trying to figure out my game plan.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

I don't know yet.

Maybe I should distract myself and focus on happy things for now?
Hmmm....

Oh my gosh.

Is that being optimistic? Or being in denial?
Ugh. Whatever. That's the plan for now.
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It is probably best that I go to bed.
Goodnight.

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ONCE AGAIN

Please excuse my 2 AM feels.
As well as my redundant use of words I'm too lazy to find alternatives for due to the fact that it is... 2 AM.
Please and thank you.

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Creativity at Its Real-est [Reposted]

[ I wrote this entry on May 2012 on my old blog and decided to re-post it because it's how I feel now.  Weird how my feelings seem to go around in cycles... just like my profile pictures, haha... so, I can just re-use old material in order for me to express them huhu. Anyway, I'm basically trying to get over my fear of unsatisfactory output so, here. Uhhhh happy reading, I guess. Haha. ]

"Why do I keep evading my work?

Is it because I'm afraid of being confronted by my lack of abilities?"

- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex in the City

(perfect example of the ugly-but-REAL type of art)

I guess I’m the type of person who strives to get better all the time… at specific things or better, as a person in general.  I've made a billion lists of places to go, things to do, things to improve on, ways to improve on them and things like that.

Learn how to paint. Learn how to draw people. Learn how to do this. Learn how to do that… Those things are always on the list. I never wanted to learn formally though because I really wasn’t  fond of rules and restrictions. I just wanted to learn in my own way and in my own time. (And sometimes, that’s a bad thing.)

Unfortunately, I was also the type of person who disowned “ugly” art. I never wanted to be associated with anything "below satisfactory." Ang yabang. Huhu shame.  There were many instances when I didn’t even finish what I was working on because I felt the outcome wouldn’t look good. Once there was a trace of ugly, I’d get so frustrated. Feeling all discouraged, I’d either leave it unfinished or throw it away. That way, no one would have to see it and I wouldn’t ever be reminded of my failure as an artist again.

But after reading Creativity is a Verb by Patty Digh, my entire perspective on art changed. The book was basically about how we should all just stop focusing on the outcome and start being real. There’s a big difference between drawing just cause you want to and drawing cause you want to show people that you can. The former allows you to enjoy the process while the latter just causes you to stress over the outcome.

(Journey over destination. Process over outcome.)

The message of the book was pretty simple… if you want to paint, then paint! It’s perfectly normal for your first try to be far from a masterpiece but, if you make that your standard and refuse to paint unless the outcome is a masterpiece, then you’ll never paint. That was my problem. I feared my own failure. I knew, for example, that I couldn’t draw people well. And because of that, I never drew people. (I drew robots instead, haha.)

I didn’t fail… because I didn’t try. But, I didn’t get to learn either.

That book taught me to stop sugar coating my thoughts and ideas. To draw whatever I feel like drawing, even if other people might not understand what it is. To write exactly what I want to write, no matter how stupid or confusing it might seem in the end. I learned that creativity isn’t about a perfect outcome, or being as good as those award – winning artists. It’s about acknowledging and accepting yourself with all your crazy thoughts, ideas and imperfections.

For so many people, myself included, art is a way to express yourself when words aren’t enough. And that honesty is precisely what makes it so beautiful.

[ I should try it more often. ]

Ignore all the critics. Stop all the measurement. Detach from outcome.

Life's Quite Frustrating (But, It's Fine)

Oh, nothing...

It's just one of those nights wherein you plan to sleep before 12 and end up thinking about everything you want to do in life as well as the possibility of not ever being able to. You end up thinking about the standards you set for yourself and how you might never be able to meet them.

It's scary how fast things can change and how everything can sort of just... backfire. And you know. Explode in your face and stuff. Life kind of punishes those who dare think that they can truly have their way. It's also pretty deceptive. Things turn around when you least expect them to.

I guess I already learned that a long time ago but unfortunately, in order for the stubborn to truly learn, they need to be taught more than once. And apparently, three times isn't enough for some.

It really isn't fair though. I mean, you teach yourself to accept a certain set of circumstances. Your circumstances. Whatever they may be. Eventually, you grow accustomed to them, learn to love them and then, you actually enjoy them. And then, as if on cue, things change.

Yup. Something comes up that will force you to reformat your game plan for the future and add even more factors and possibilities to the equation that is your life. In an instant, things are out of your hands. It's no longer your call. Like a hard slap on the face, a huge blow to your pride and giant reminder that you're not as strong as you think you are.

You're not superwoman.

......................As much as I hate to admit it, I really wish I was. Superwoman, I mean. Well, sometimes at least. If only I could do everything I want to do, say everything I want to say, be who I truly want to be **add more cheesy life stuff here** and I wish I could just give my 100% and not have to face the consequences of doing so! If only I would just stop giving less than my all, knowing that I can do so much more and yet fearing what might happen if I push myself too much and too hard. What am I saying? I don't even know anymore. 

Oh no. It's 3:26 am.

Please know that whenever I let myself truly feel the sadness I usually runaway from, I do so with the certainty that things will get better **add even more cheesy life stuff here** and to accept that life is just a giant, ugly, beautiful, horrible, amazing mess is probably the only way to stay sane.

(In other words, don't worry about me, I'm fine. Goodnight!)