Must Refuel My Passion Tank NOW

(Disclaimer: I just had to release all this but, I swear I'm fine. Or I'll be good tomorrow! For sure.)

I've written about passion refills before. It could come in the form of a conversation, movie, new place and even a random book like Eat, Pray, Love - which is what I had written about in particular. But, let me skip the boring back story and get straight to the point.

I need one.

A real one. A real passion tank refill, I mean. Not something that'll make me really excited for a few minutes. Not some project to keep me preoccupied. Not the usual "something new" that comes every week. And I realized a few minutes ago, I doubt transferring to a different school for the sake of adventure or growth will fix this...

To give you an idea of what this is, here's an excerpt from a private entry I wrote last February. (Yeah, I've been feeling this on and off for quite a while now.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was that type of kid. Brace yourself for this loaded sentence: the write – because – I – wanna –write, draw – because – I – wanna –draw, make – a – whole – new – world – because – you – can, climb – the –trees – because – they’re – there, Dora the Explorer, save – the – animals and trees and even the whole world, if you can, type kind of kid.

And yet here I am now, 18 years old, half way through the second semester of my first year in college, taking up BS Architecture (my supposed biggest dream in life) at the University of Santo Tomas and trying my best to figure out why my passion tank keeps running dry. First day of the week, I've got my game face on, so ready to take on the tasks at hand but day three comes, and I’m debating with myself whether or not something like reading another book is worth doing, worrying about wasting time, over - analyzing little things, overthinking possibilities and panicking about, well, my life or where I am in my life or why I’m here or where I’m headed. Then, I start writing down my thoughts, or praying really hard or making tea to relax and eventually, I get a good night’s sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and all spruced up for life again. But, the wheel turns around and every now and then, I still find myself at the bottom of it. It’s a roller coaster that goes high up into the mountains of inspiration and motivation but, drops down so low to restlessness and unproductivity.

It sucks.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There. I've exposed a little bit of my messed up mind, my indecisiveness. People usually describe me as someone who's always filled with excitement and zest for life. And I usually am BUT, when I'm not... I'm like this. I'm this person that can't make up her mind and that lacks purpose and feels irrelevant.

Please don't judge. :(

Before this entry gets any deeper or more personal, allow me to swim up to the surface, take a breath and chill in the shallow for a while.

Yeah okay, let's stay shallow.

Ah! Here's a shallow update on my summer to do list:

Things To Do This Summer:

• Clear out my closet
• Go shopping
• Go out of town with family
• Go out of town with friends
• Catch up with people (Dated 3 friends I haven't seen in a while already, hooray!)

• Kanlungan outreach program (This took place last March 23 and I was super happy about it!)
• Sports Fest with Wordcomm Youth
• Build a model of my dream house
• Jzone Summer Camp
• Learn to use CAD
• Read at least 3 books
• Internship (For Architecture)
• Exercise/ Swim (Swam just once but, let's make that count.)
• Finish a painting (Just yesterday, yup!)
• PETA Workshop (Went through the interview, paid and I start next week WOOHOO) 
• Install shelves in my room
• Refocus on Details Ink.
• Bake a good batch of cookies
• Successfully make pannacotta
• Write, draw, pray and drive MORE (Could do everything even more though)

Well at least, I'm getting things done?

Wow, wait. Despite all those crossed out tasks, a week that's set for nothing but rest and ultimate chill-age can really take its toll on me! Why oh why oh why oh why... I think I really need to learn how to rest and chill without having to feel guilty and irrelevant and unproductive.

Uggh. I should stop. It's summer and I should be happy. I've done quite a lot and I should be happy. It's freakin Easter Sunday and I should be happy!! AND THANKFUL FOR LIFE, GOSH WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!

Hm. I guess I'll do what I always do during times like this - which is... look at the bright side, choose to be happy and erase from my mind all the questions of whether or not I truly am.

Inspired by the Traveling Pants

Although I was never really fond of lucky charms and the like, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants could very well be one of my favorite movies - not so much because of the special pants themselves but, more of the stories behind each character.

As you can see, there are four of them: Bridget, Carmen, Lina and Tibby. Bridget's a soccer superstar and the most outgoing and fun - loving of them all. It's probably a coping mechanism for her mom's death but, who knows. Tibby's an aspiring filmmaker, whose rebellious, couldn't - care - less nature was challenged by an annoying 12 year old with Leukemia, whom she learned to love. Lina's an awkward, conservative writer and artist, just breaking out of her shell and finally, there's Carmen - who, having been left by her father, isn't the most stable person in the world but, is pretty brilliant nonetheless.

I just finished watching the movie.

Again.

And suddenly, I wanna fly to Santorini (or anywhere) and draw everything I see, write about all my friends, interview every interesting person I know and make a good movie (or blog) out of it, join a camp in another country and, well, send a package via FedEx. Haha, what is inspired!

Apart from making me cry really hard, the movie got me to think about all the things I want to do in life. Here's an exchange between Lina and some Greek guy... whose name escapes me.

"I'm jealous of her."

"Why?"

"Because she knows who she is."

"Don't you?"

"I know who I want to be."

I guess it's something to think about - who we are vs. who we want to be? I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this but, I can certainly identify with her. I know who I want to be. I know that... I want to be the type of girl that just flies to Santorini or the type that draws everything she sees and interviews people for fun and joins camps in other countries and uses FedEx to send stuff over. That type of girl.

It's not that I'm unhappy with who I am - which is the type of girl that falls asleep in clubs and holds private concerts in the shower and makes a billion lists everyday and enjoys stressing over projects and is incapable of completely chilling and intentionally does something new every week. I guess I like being that girl too but, please forgive me for wanting to, well, expand my horizons, experience completely new things, go out on adventures and just live more.

Exciting, right? Imagine where you are right now and where you could be in a year! It makes you think about your story and how much potential it has.

Anyway, I'll end this with a perfect line from a Natasha Begindfeild song.

"Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten."

:)

Time for Summer... Classes :(

After ten months of overworked minds, paper cuts and ink stained hands, our summer has finally arrived! I WAS SO EXCITED OKAY. Freshman year came and went as fast as lightning, I barely even noticed it. This morning, I went to school and realized it was the last time that I had to... well, for now at least. But the hallways were empty and the lockers were open and the fact it was really, truly, seriously SUMMER finally sank in.

So much to do, so little time!

I've learned that telling someone that you plan to do something helps you get it done. How? Well, I think it's just peer pressure. What would that someone think if you didn't do what you said you'd do, right? That pressure sort of awakens the competitive athlete inside you and boom - suddenly, you're doing everything you can to get it done.

With that,  I made a list of the things I really wanna do in the next two months and decided to blog about it - a feeble attempt at achieving all my summer goals but, it's worth a shot! 

Things To Do This Summer:

• Clear out my closet
• Go shopping
• Go out of town with family
• Go out of town with friends
• Catch up with people
• Kanlungan outreach program
• Sports Fest with Wordcomm Youth
• Build a model of my dream house
• Jzone Summer Camp
• Learn to use CAD
• Read at least 3 books
• Internship (For Architecture)
• Exercise/ Swim
• Finish a painting
• PETA Workshop
• Install shelves in my room
• Refocus on Details Ink.
• Bake a good batch of cookies
• Successfully make pannacotta
• Write, draw, pray and drive MORE

These are 20+ things I want to accomplish and I can't help but think of the future and go on dream mode and get all excited about EVERYTHING but... something always prevents me from going all out with the planning. It's as if I hit a wall every time I start thinking of logistics or when to do this or how much that would cost or whether or not I should commute there.

And then, I remember...

....................

..........................

................

......................

..............

I have summer classes.

....................
..........................
................
......................
..............

Kill me.

Only Because He's Twenty...

This is a photo of Enrique, back in grade school, attempting to look cool with his electric guitar.

And this is a photo of me in sixth grade, doing exactly same thing... but worse. Please do not be fooled by my face (which looks exactly the same) I promise you, the photo was really taken six years ago!

I guess we were both kinda weird when we were younger. He had a band, I had a band. Back then, it seemed pretty cool. Hahaha! And I thought I was super cool after learning how to play F#m on guitar and he thought the same when he got picked to be the lead singer during an audition HAHAHA Hm what else? You were awkward with girls and I was awkward with all the sweet yucky love stuff. My stomach would literally make sounds...

In my freshman year in high school, I was busy being a singer girl, among other things and he was right in the next school, busy being a dancer boy... among many other things as well.

May 2009

And then, one day we met.

*insert dramatic music here*
And it changed my life.
HAHAHAHAHAHA KIDDING

Anyway.

I was 14. (My gosh.) And coincidentally, his older brother was good friends with my older sister and his family had a dance concert for which they needed an intermission number. That's where my sister and I came in. We sang and I needed his guitar.

So, there.
That's it.
We met.

Nothing special.

Just the usual handshake.

And a song, and a dance and a lot of other things in between.

September 2009

And then, one day we talked.

And there.

That's it.

We just talked.

But then, we couldn't stop talking.

And we talked about how we were both Filipinos in Chinese schools,

how we both have older siblings who could pass as our twins,

how our little brothers were the same age, in the same batch of the same school,

how we were both part of the music teams of our respective churches,

how we were both tight with our parents who are all naturally gifted ballroom dancers...

And right there and then, I decided:

He would make a really, really, really, super, duper great friend.

Hohoho.

July 2010

Months passed.

Then, a year passed.

And then, another year passed.

And he stayed my friend.

February 2011

March 2012

And then, I got really sick.

Out of nowhere.

And then it started getting really hard.

He was always on the go and I was always on painkillers.

He'd be out doing stuff and I'd call him up and just cry.

We'd be laughing at first and then, my forehead would wrinkle...

And he knew that it was time to just stop laughing.

Things got really hard.

And so, I told him to, well, just go away.
It would've been a lot easier for us in the long run.

Buuuuuuut, he didn't go away.

He stayed... and then, months passed and another year passed.

And a few Birthdays and Valentine's Days and an Anniversary passed.

And all the days and months and years that have passed, lead me to where I am right now...

Which is...

 Here.

In my room, on the floor, lying on my stomach, typing into a computer, trying to figure out how to make someone that means so much to you know just how much that is - without being too sweet or too cheesy or too much a victim of yucky love.

Obviously, I've failed completely.

Because this blog is way too sweet and way cheesier than I had originally planned.

(So, I better end it now.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's Enrique's 20th birthday today.

And I cannot believe that it is.

But, I guess the point of this whole thing is to finally swallow my girl pride and admit...

that...

I'm so freakin happy that we're together I just wanna cry and I have no idea what I did to deserve it and I thank God one billion times a day for giving me someone who is so, super kaduper patient with me and who inspires me so much and makes me so happy and whom I can talk to for hours about everything, the same way I used to four years ago and although there are quirks I can't change like how he barely cries or how he uses big words in normal conversations or how doesn't like coffee or how he really acts off when he doesn't get enough sleep or how doesn't allow me to doze off when he drives... I'm happy and grateful and super duper blessed.

Happy 20th birthday, Enrique!

Thank you for everything.

Love you!

Why I Love My Little Brother

Dear Timo,

There are so many things I want to tell you. Things I want to thank you for and stuff. Cheesy stuff. But, I also want the entire world to know. :)

1. You're on of the people I can be totally weird with. You know what I mean... like that time we caught each other dancing by ourselves in the stairs HAHA Or how we speak British in Greenhills or whatever mall and wonder if the people around us think we're legit. HAHA Or that time we pretended to be tourists in Greenhills. Hahaha. We could spend a whole did in a place we've been to a thousand times and it'd still be fun cause... yknow. We're together <3 Hahaha ok next...

2. You were such an interesting kid. See what I mean by looking at the following photos:

This was when you fell while walking on a rope at Camp Explore.

You at Boracay.

You at a furniture store, holding a "Thank you for not sitting" sign.

You at the ballroom of Mandarin Hotel during one of mom's shows.

Mom just found you one day... like that! Hahaha.

3. I also just want you to know that you have so, so much potential. I always tell you that I'm excited for you because I know that you're gonna be great. You are great. And no matter what happened to you in the past, or no matter how many struggles life threw at you, I still believe that. 

This was you in your first swimming competition. Yes, that tiny boy was you and all those big boys were your opponents. Aaaaaaaand... you won. HAHA Just sharing because I'm proud and because it proves my point.

You're great. :)

4. Whenever I feel bad about my artworks, I go to you and you tell me that it's nice and then I don't feel so bad anymore. Hohoho!

Kidding aside though, you really do have a specific way of making me feel better about... everything. And I want to thank you for that.

5. Among the three of us, you're the best cook. Hahaha! I love it when you experiment in the kitchen because you always come up with random yummy stuff like your marshmallow fluff, your queso de bola chips, your smores... and Ate Gab and I appreciate all those things very, very much. YOU SHOULD REALLY COOK MORE OFTEN!!

6. YOU HAVE AN AWESOME VOICE OKAY. I hate to break it to you but, your bathroom isn't sound proof. :) So there are times when I just stick my ear on your door to listen to you because it seems that your bathroom is the only place where you can sing with all your heart... so yeah, you should really sing more, brother. :)

7. One of my favorite things about us is the power we have to memorize entire movies. So, there are always random movie lines that pop up in our conversations.

8. Your mole is beautiful, okay? Don't you dare have it removed!!!

9. Even if I seem annoyed, I kinda love it when you just enter and tell us to go to mom's room to bond. You're the one that treasures family bonding the most and based on that, I can already see the future. You will be a good dad. :)

10. You're also wayyyy too obsessed with random bits and pieces of information! But, it's cool how you're interested in all those National Geographics, Discovery Channel blah blah blah... which leads me to the next thing...

11. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME BECAUSE YOU SAVED MY LIFE :) I will never forget the time you oh so bravely sucked the venom from my ankle when I got bitten by a snake. It was the funniest thing in the world and yet, it was... magical. :) HAHA JOKE.

12. You're my fitness/ swimming coach and I wanna thank you for always pressuring me/ encouraging me to stay fit despite the fact that when you're on your 30th lap, I'm only on my tenth. HAHAHA

13. This is a very obvious one... I envy your eyelashes. And so do all the gay barbers in the world. HAHAHA

14. You're actually very generous. When you know how much we want something... you'll give it. Thank you for the Melty Kiss hehehe I love youuu.

15. You double as my kuya. HAHA And I secretly love it. :))

16. You're so gwapo. :> You look so much better than Daniel Padilla and the sweetest person ever. Super thoughtful with gifts, etc. And your future girlfriend is the luckiest girl in life.

17. You have the biggest heart in the world. I know because I've seen it so many times throughout the years. Tim, you're so nice. And I'm trying really hard not to tear up because you're right in front of me and the reason why I'm rushing and not talking to you right now is because I have a few minutes left because the wifi in this stupid coffee shop lasts only for one hour and dkfaskfjaskfjaskld yeah.

You mean a lot to me, Timo. I cannot even explain it in words. I hope you know that.

Happy Birthday Timo!

And even if you're already 17...

You'll always be my little brother.

Love you :)

Concrete Love

For our additional work in Design class, we were tasked to select 10 of our favorite local structures, rate them and create a short write up about. Although I don't really have a single favorite building, here are the structures that made it to the list!

Henry Sy Building, DLSU

Rating: 9

In contrast to its environment, this building gives a modern touch and compensates for the lack of open space in the La Salle campus. Elevating the entire structure was a genius move - making the structure more dominant and less crowded/ claustrophobic at the same time. Some floors have indoor gardens which balance out all the concrete and that's just one of the many applications of sustainable design. 

The Mind Museum

Rating: 8

The Mind Museum is a crowd favorite - both the structure and everything inside it! It was designed by Arch. Ed Calma, one of the architects I admire most. Like many of the structures I love, The Mind Museum offered something different: a futuristic facade with openings and greens sprinkled in appropriate areas to break the heavy, metallic look.

PETA Theater

Rating: 7

Living next door to this wonder has been nothing but a privilege! From an angle, you'd see how the rehearsal/ office area connects to the balconies of the different floors, as well as the staircase that look so good with the effects provided by the glass and lights. However, looking at the building from the front, you'd wonder how an entire theater can fit inside. It's amazing how the architect was able to keep the balance while playing with different shapes and proportions at the same time.

Treveia Clubhouse, Nuvali

Rating: 8

This irregular structure really stands out in the fields of Nuvali. I actually love the entire Nuvali area - or any area where the environment is just as revered as the structure that stands there. But as for the Treveia Clubhouse, it really got my attention the first time I saw it and maybe because of its shape, strange proportions or downright weirdness, it made an indelible mark in my mind. And I mean that in a good way!

Ayala Museum

Rating: 9

Here's another crowd favorite! The Ayala Museum. This clean, modern look is a very familiar one to many people but somehow, this structure totally owns it. As if the look has been presented for the first time. The black tiles for walls, the glass, the walkway, the steps, the sculpture and the fountain... these elements make it obvious that those who thought it up really had a eye for design.

Church of Gesu, ADMU

Rating: 9

This is definitely not your average church structure. Usually, Catholic church designs take after ancient Roman architecture but, the Church of Gesu on the other hand, was able to pull off something a bit more modern. Being all while and irregularly shaped, this building really catches your eye when you go around Ateneo. It's different, yes. Beautiful, yes. And apart from all that, the architect was able to keep the design in sync with the purpose for which the structure stands.

Balai, Taal
Rating: 6

The location, interior and overall feel of this structure would most probably get a rating of 10. The surroundings are beautiful ; no question there and the bedrooms and living rooms are to die for. However, the external appearance of Balai is its only downfall. Aside from its pentagonal shape, which isn't even that noticeable, it's rather ordinary. It lacks a focal point or an accent, at the very least and for that, I gave it a 6. 

Greenbelt 5 Mall

Rating: 8

Greenbelt 5 is yet another Ayala masterpiece. Another beautiful structure that respects the environment and works well with its surroundings. If I'm not mistaken, Greenbelt won an award for it. Because of the beautiful landscaping and all the glass in the buildings that allow mall goers to see and appreciate it, people really feel one with nature. No matter how beautiful a building is, if people don't feel good when they enter, then all its beauty goes to waste.

Robinsons Magnolia

Rating: 8

The wow factor of this structure came as a surprise to many. During the construction, people didn't really expect anything out of the ordinary. But almost out of nowhere, a structure so massive started taking shape and once the park area was arranged, it transformed into a little piece of first class, right in the heart of New Manila. The variations in the ceiling levels, materials for the railing and even treatment for the windows all seemed to complete the mall's look and make it even more inviting. Such a treat for those who live nearby!

Trump Tower
Rating: 9

Now, here's a true taste of first class. Donald Trump has finally made his mark in the Philippines! This residential tower seems to scream high end. But how? What makes it different from all the other tall, rectangular prisms in the area? It may be the glass finishing, the lighting or even the accent bars that go through the whole building. Or it might be all the details, working so well together. Maybe that's what makes it a cut above the rest.