Must Refuel My Passion Tank NOW

(Disclaimer: I just had to release all this but, I swear I'm fine. Or I'll be good tomorrow! For sure.)

I've written about passion refills before. It could come in the form of a conversation, movie, new place and even a random book like Eat, Pray, Love - which is what I had written about in particular. But, let me skip the boring back story and get straight to the point.

I need one.

A real one. A real passion tank refill, I mean. Not something that'll make me really excited for a few minutes. Not some project to keep me preoccupied. Not the usual "something new" that comes every week. And I realized a few minutes ago, I doubt transferring to a different school for the sake of adventure or growth will fix this...

To give you an idea of what this is, here's an excerpt from a private entry I wrote last February. (Yeah, I've been feeling this on and off for quite a while now.)

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I was that type of kid. Brace yourself for this loaded sentence: the write – because – I – wanna –write, draw – because – I – wanna –draw, make – a – whole – new – world – because – you – can, climb – the –trees – because – they’re – there, Dora the Explorer, save – the – animals and trees and even the whole world, if you can, type kind of kid.

And yet here I am now, 18 years old, half way through the second semester of my first year in college, taking up BS Architecture (my supposed biggest dream in life) at the University of Santo Tomas and trying my best to figure out why my passion tank keeps running dry. First day of the week, I've got my game face on, so ready to take on the tasks at hand but day three comes, and I’m debating with myself whether or not something like reading another book is worth doing, worrying about wasting time, over - analyzing little things, overthinking possibilities and panicking about, well, my life or where I am in my life or why I’m here or where I’m headed. Then, I start writing down my thoughts, or praying really hard or making tea to relax and eventually, I get a good night’s sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and all spruced up for life again. But, the wheel turns around and every now and then, I still find myself at the bottom of it. It’s a roller coaster that goes high up into the mountains of inspiration and motivation but, drops down so low to restlessness and unproductivity.

It sucks.

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There. I've exposed a little bit of my messed up mind, my indecisiveness. People usually describe me as someone who's always filled with excitement and zest for life. And I usually am BUT, when I'm not... I'm like this. I'm this person that can't make up her mind and that lacks purpose and feels irrelevant.

Please don't judge. :(

Before this entry gets any deeper or more personal, allow me to swim up to the surface, take a breath and chill in the shallow for a while.

Yeah okay, let's stay shallow.

Ah! Here's a shallow update on my summer to do list:

Things To Do This Summer:

• Clear out my closet
• Go shopping
• Go out of town with family
• Go out of town with friends
• Catch up with people (Dated 3 friends I haven't seen in a while already, hooray!)

• Kanlungan outreach program (This took place last March 23 and I was super happy about it!)
• Sports Fest with Wordcomm Youth
• Build a model of my dream house
• Jzone Summer Camp
• Learn to use CAD
• Read at least 3 books
• Internship (For Architecture)
• Exercise/ Swim (Swam just once but, let's make that count.)
• Finish a painting (Just yesterday, yup!)
• PETA Workshop (Went through the interview, paid and I start next week WOOHOO) 
• Install shelves in my room
• Refocus on Details Ink.
• Bake a good batch of cookies
• Successfully make pannacotta
• Write, draw, pray and drive MORE (Could do everything even more though)

Well at least, I'm getting things done?

Wow, wait. Despite all those crossed out tasks, a week that's set for nothing but rest and ultimate chill-age can really take its toll on me! Why oh why oh why oh why... I think I really need to learn how to rest and chill without having to feel guilty and irrelevant and unproductive.

Uggh. I should stop. It's summer and I should be happy. I've done quite a lot and I should be happy. It's freakin Easter Sunday and I should be happy!! AND THANKFUL FOR LIFE, GOSH WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!

Hm. I guess I'll do what I always do during times like this - which is... look at the bright side, choose to be happy and erase from my mind all the questions of whether or not I truly am.