It seems that almost every month, I have to renew my decision to be a much bigger person than I actually am. I have to sit down with myself - and God - and internalize the fact that I can't go on a certain way. There's always something that I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing; something I'm feeling that I shouldn't be feeling. There's always something I have to let go of but, can't. There's always hurt when there shouldn't be. And I don't know why.
I could be doing a lot of things and over the years I've listed over a hundred ways to change the world. So, why am I not pouring my heart out on those things instead? I really don't know.
There was a moment yesterday morning when everything sort of cleared up before me and all I could see was a question. What the hell am I doing? Pining after something that's already gone. Mourning the loss of my anchor when it should have never been my anchor in the first place. Struggling to wrap my head around a change that took place right before my eyes and trying to figure out why I moved forward when I knew perfectly well what was ahead of me.
What am I doing?
This? I knew this would happen.
Anyway, that moment of clarity also came with a tremendous calm. Quiet. Inhale, exhale. And then, nothing.
I felt nothing.
And nothing was the best thing I felt in a while.
Inhale, exhale. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone... And it's time.
So here I am again. It's July now.
I'm sitting down. By myself. There is a random creepy looking fellow across me but, whatever. I'm sitting down by myself.
I have to be bigger than this. I cannot go on like this. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be feeling this. I have to let go of this. This isn't worth it.
Inhale, exhale.
There are bigger things. Other bigger things. Which I have not paid any attention to in a long while. And I guess it's finally time to put time and effort where it's due.
Mind over Matter mode, on.
Head over Heart mode, on.
Stone mode, on.
There. Done.
Inhale, exhale.
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