A Series of Fortunate Events... What's The Catch?

(I swear this blog was supposed to be short... I don't know what happened.)

"I got everything I ever wanted. I'm so happy... I'm terrified. No one gets everything they want...

...of course, something bad is going to happen to me."

-Charlotte of Sex and the City

. . . . .

This is a horrible way to think and to live. However, as much as I hate to admit it, what she said totally hit me. A lot of things in the past served as building blocks that have created this stupid perspective, despite the fact that I fight hard to push those memories down to the back of my mind where I'll have a hard time accessing them . Despite the fact that I know I shouldn't be thinking that way and I constantly try to fix how I think. And fix myself.

I constantly try to fix myself.

Life is always great until it isn't.

And my life always goes smoothly until something that never happens... happens.

But it's been a while and I thank God for that. He's been taking great care of me.

I've returned home from several trips without a scratch on my body and after bragging about that simple joy of mine, I was reminded that it was, in fact, normal for nothing bad to happen. And in my head, I think "Oh yeah. Sorry. I was just happy about it. That's all."

It's like I'm hesitant to fully soak into the OKAY-ness of my life right now and I don't know why. 

Everything's going well so far. I'm happy 80% of the time; lost in thoughts, questions and doubts during the other 10% but, that's normal, and the last ten is for those times when I cry for other people and get so caught up in their lives that it hurts me. But in general, I'm always happy. Always grateful. Always relieved when something that could have gone so badly turns out well or when something I thought would take countless hours only takes fifteen minutes or when I'm #160 in the line and they're already calling #154.

Always happy, always grateful but always walking on egg shells, praying to God that I don't step on the trigger of a nuclear bomb. Always tiptoeing my way through life, trying to prove that I'm not an accident waiting to happen and I'm not the key to Pandora's box and that I can do what they think I cannot do. Always finding myself between wide and narrow roads, choosing the wide ones at first because they look so nice and easy and then I end up trying to find my way through all the plants and thorns and shrubs just to get back to the freakin narrow road just because I couldn't get it out of my head.

I'm always happy, always grateful but always worried about losing the things that make me happy and the things I'm grateful for. Worried that things are too good to be true and somewhere along this streak of good fortune or this series of fortunate events is a scary monster waiting to tell me that I can't have everything I want after all. Waiting impatiently to take something away from me and make me pay for the good, happy, healthy life I've been living for a while and make me suffer for the fact that I haven't suffered in so long.

I got a little carried away over there. I don't know which thing I'm referring to anymore...

Forgive my imagination, it has a tendency to exaggerate my normal - human feelings and transform them into scary vivid motion pictures inside my brain which I try my very best to translate into words - a preventive measure to keep my head from exploding.

. . . . .

I'm in transition at the moment - in between processes, in between schools... I'm still quite surprised at how smoothly things have been going although, I have been praying like a trooper for the past months. I've been stumbling over one obstacle after another. Each one's getting bigger and scarier but, each gives more fulfillment than than the one before. Until I see the next obstacle up ahead and it scares me again but, I go anyway.

Things are going so well, it's freaking me out. It's not that I'm not happy about it and it's not that I'm not grateful... in case you didn't get to read the repetitive mentions above, haha!

I'm just mentally preparing myself for this narrow road to get narrower, for more nuclear bomb triggers hidden under egg shells I'm walking over, for the scary monster to get scarier and more impatient and have more vengeful things to say to me and for the key of Pandora's box to duplicate itself a thousand times making it easier for all the bad things to be unlocked and released into... my life.

But again...

THIS IS A HORRIBLE WAY TO THINK.

And then again...

I can't help but ask what the catch is this time!

There's always been a catch. I've always had to pay... something.

. . . . . 

But I know what I have to do anyway. And that makes me a walking contradiction but, I'm not denying it.

I'll take what I can get, hope for the best, be happy and grateful for every single blessing as of now but, be prepared for the worst of circumstances - not in a sadistic way but, in a way that will protect my heart from, getting hurt or being disappointed. (Saying all that makes me a talking cliche too but, I'm not denying that either. Oh well...)

Thank you Lord for answering almost every single prayer I've had for the past few months!!!

So, here's to this next week and how much it can affect the rest of my college life!

And here's to all my other concerns and how much it'll affect my life after that. 

Here's to the good things that have happened in the recent past and the not - so - good things that might happen in the near future....

But right now in this moment, as I think about everything that was and is to come later on, catch or no catch, I'm happy and truly grateful - always, always will be.