May I Please Be Excused

(Warning: Lots of Negative Feels in This Entry)

I'm so sorry.

I haven't been blogging.
I haven't been writing in my journals.
I'm losing some very important life notebooks.
And I basically... haven't been on top of my game.

Since January, I've been going around in a circle, trying so hard to figure out why this year isn't as great as I expected it to be. I guess I've been waiting to somehow transform into the best version of myself but... it just isn't happening and I don't know why. And it's driving me crazy.

I remember watching the fireworks on New Year's Eve. In that moment, I was absolutely sure that I ended the year well. I took all the big and scary steps that I needed to take, and I was more than ready for 2014 and everything it had in store for me.

It was pretty dramatic. That moment. I was looking back at my year and doing so, everything made sense. Every bad feeling. Every break down. Every major crossroad. Every life changing decision. It all suddenly felt like God's doing.

"Wow", I thought.
"All those things lead me here."

And "here" was exactly where I was supposed to be.

In that moment, I had a clean slate.
A fresh start.
A chance to make things better.

I had made a decision to let go of 2013 completely and embrace the new year - which, I believed with all my heart, was going to be the best year ever.

Buuuuuut sadly, there's only two months left of 2014 and I'm still here.
Still stuck in that moment.
Waiting.
And I don't even know what I'm waiting for anymore.
I guess I'm waiting for something to happen?
I'm waiting for that amazing new year moment (which stretched to a very draining and confusing 10 month long roller coaster of excitement and fear, fulfillment and discontent, expectations and disappointments) to be given justice.

Oh, and I'm waiting for myself to...I don't know. But, literally. I'm adjusting self-inflicted deadlines for goals I've set a billion years ago but, "haven't had the time to do." It's like I want to ask the whole world to be patient with me for now. Because I've witnessed myself at my best and this really isn't it. I'm not sure what's stopping me but, I promise, I'm working on it.

I'm working on being as driven as I once was.
As grateful as I once was.
As passionate as I once was.
And as annoyingly in love with life as I once was.

So, yeah. May I please be excused.