Sunday, August 3, 2014

The Four Month Summer is Over (And My Glass is Half Full)

haven't been present.
I've been floating.
I've been asleep.

I haven't been grateful.

I haven't even genuinely said Thank You for things I've been given for free that are probably worth me getting down on my knees for. And things that happened way before I thought they would. Oh, and the things I never thought would ever happen at all.

I've been unreasonable.
I've been whiny.
I've been blind.

And I'm saying all this because, well, it seems as though my body's being inhabited my by the most negative version of myself. Ever. Really. The glass has been half-empty for a while now and those of you who know me would know very well that in my world, it is always - and I mean always - half-full.

Even in the worst of circumstances, I used to somehow manage to see the bright side... or magically produce one. Haha. That's something I've been writing about for years but, let's just say that for the past month, I haven't exactly been walking my talk.

To be honest, I've been focusing all my energy on a tiny little dark spot in a world that's been pretty well-lit. And when I say well-lit, I'm talking giant spotlights, LED's and the freakin' sun itself.

Life has been throwing me one amazing blessing after another.
One opportunity after another.
One great experience after another.

And I've been floating through it because of my sheer inability to handle the overwhelming responsibility that comes with getting what you want...

You see, I'm a dreamer.

I was practically a baby when I decided I was gonna be an architect and I was in high school when I made a list of everything I wanted to be, as well as everything I wanted my little new-born-baby-stationery-business to be.

There was that GAME ON moment and everything. Even daily and weekly action steps to help me get to my big goals.

But, I'll be really honest here. Is it okay that I freak out and kinda wish to move a few steps backwards when all my big dreams are right at my finger tips? When it's all just a little stretch away, I stare blankly and choose not to reach - for fear that I might catch it.

And what the hell is a dreamer supposed to do when the dreaming part is over?

That, my friends, is one of the biggest problems of my life.
And I'm praying with everything I have that there's at least one person that understands this seemingly irrational yet, completely paralyzing internal conflict.

In other words, I'm easily overwhelmed.
Yup, even by my own goals & dreams.
They really scare me a lot.
Even the size of those mini-goals & mini-dreams freak me out sometimes.

It's like... I stare at a project and automatically get shot with magic lazy-beams. For example, I'm an aspiring writer that hasn't blogged in a month and can't even bring herself to write the articles she was so happy to have been assigned. So, I end up not being able to fully soak in the fact that I was even given such an opportunity! Ugh. When there are no writing/drawing/singing opportunities, I want them. When there are too many, I deny their existence... NO. BAD KARA!

This has got to stop.

During times of discontent, something I have to severely punish myself for, I seek inspiration from my old self. Hahaha. Because it makes me feel so ashamed of being less "together" than the 17 year old Kara. So much so that I actually take action. Hehehe. So, in an attempt to motivate myself (and anyone else who needs it) to finish projects in time, here's an old blog from 2011.

For a long while now, I’ve been thinking of everything I wanted to do. Actually, that’s all I ever do. I think. I make lists. I make plans. I dream. I get so wrapped up in my thoughts, so caught up with the excitement of the initial stage, that I forget the step that should follow: the execution. What good would all those bucket lists do, if you won’t ever make an effort to get those things done? 
I’ve come to find that the fulfillment you get from checking something on a list is a thousand times better than the excitement you get from writing it down. The doing is better than the dreaming. The experiencing is better than the planning. That’ was my realization. Something snapped right there and then. It suddenly became so clear to me that all I needed to do was DO. 
Right now, I’m the most excited that I’ve been in so long. There’s no solid plan this time. Once a week. Do something new. That’s the only plan. I’ve written over a hundred things on my to-do list. All I need to do now is get them done.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -

That was it, guys. That was the four month summer we've all been rambling about since the Academic Calendar Shift debate started. That was it. It is finished and registration is tomorrow. Whew!

But I really do have to strip off that negative version of myself and look for the girl that would smile in a hospital gown after painful procedures and fight school administration to be able to attend classes and take exams, so as not to regret giving anything less than her best.

Like I said, the glass was always half full for me then.
And it's time to see things that way again.

So I want to express my gratitude now, even if it's kinda late.

In the last four months,


I learned some things I thought I had no hope learning,
I met people that inspired me so much,
I shared my work with people that challenged me so much,
I was given opportunities that really boosted my growth,
I went to beautiful places I never thought I'd see,
I bought amazing artsy & crafty things that I never knew existed,


And I spent more money than I ever thought I could ever spend and so now I'm practically broke HAHAHA

(jk)

But, my heart is happy. :)

Thank You for those four months and everything that came with it.
And I'm sorry I was stupid enough to even think that it wasn't enough.

Because it was.

It really was.

:)

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