A musical as great as the one I just watched always triggers a landslide of emotions for me. This isn't a Wicked review or anything. Just a bunch of my thoughts that are kind of all over the place right now and, uhm, they have absolutely nothing to do with the play itself but, I'll write about it anyway. Haha. Here it goes...
I've always claimed that I had a fear of auditions. Or auditioning. Or that I had stage fright. Or something.
That fear would explain why my knees shake whenever I perform in front of a big crowd and why my heart's even tighter when I'm in front of a small one, where I can see everyone's faces up close and thereby, witness their stone cold expressions when my attempts to impress them fail.
After watching Wicked, however, my desire to perform again overpowered that fear by a whole lot. And I realized that it wasn't auditioning itself that I feared. That's just the result of what it is that I'm really afraid of, I guess.
It's simple, really. My reason. It's the same reason why I don't really dance, why I don't draw people as much as I want to, why I don't paint even if I really wanna be the type of person that paints, why I don't finish a lot of songs I start writing and why I'm generally not fond of trying when success isn't guaranteed.
Auditions scare me because, well...
I just don't like coming face to face with my lack of abilities.
It's not fun huhuhu.
It hurts huhuhu.
A lot huhuhu.
That's why I choose not to try sometimes. It's horrible that I might have taught myself to bear with the regret that comes with not trying at all and that I'm so unequipped at dealing with the pain that comes with failure.
After Wicked, I realized how much I want to perform. I miss it. A lot. And it scares me that I might never be able to again - not so much because of the lack of time and opportunity (even if that's another big factor) but, it's really more cause of my lack of... courage? Haha.
I don't know when I'll ever be brave enough to put myself out there and, essentially, try my very best to get what I want, without the certainty of getting it.
(The only time I ever did that was when I filed to drop out of UST before securing my slot in UP, haha. Anyway...)
I always used to think and sometimes, I still like to think that I'm the type of person that gives her 100% but now, I'm having a hard time thinking of a time wherein I truly did. It feels as though I have yet to give my all. (This probably holds true for a lot of other aspects in my life; including dreams and architecture, etc. So, as with most of my blogs, I no longer know what I'm referring to anymore. Hahaha! Peace, friends. It's past my bed time.)
Anyway, back to my point.
I wish I was brave enough to audition for a musical. That's just the stupid little obstacle I have to overcome before I can start doing what I've allowed myself to miss for too long.
I wish I was brave enough to show people my lack of abilities - and to let them help me grow. I want to grow. Really, really, really. There are no words to explain how frustrated I am with myself, in almost all aspects of my life. But, I guess it's good that I'm seeing this - again - now that I'm currently in my Focus - On - Myself or Fix - My - Life mode. Lots of things to fix, I must say.
This year, I want to give my one hundred percent.
Somewhere...
My problem is I'm not quite sure which aspect of my life God wants me to invest in the most. I need that to be clear to me before I do start pouring my heart there. I just know that I want to... I want to be passionate about something. I want to want something enough to act on it. I want to want something enough to give my all.
(What am I talking about? Okay, let's wrap this up.)
Anyway, back to my point. Again.
So. Auditions. Lack of abilities. Frustrations with myself.
Ah, yes.
I wish that my desire to address all these things was strong enough for me to actually do so.
One day, I really will, I guess.
One day.
:)
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