A Series of Fortunate Events... What's The Catch?

(I swear this blog was supposed to be short... I don't know what happened.)

"I got everything I ever wanted. I'm so happy... I'm terrified. No one gets everything they want...

...of course, something bad is going to happen to me."

-Charlotte of Sex and the City

. . . . .

This is a horrible way to think and to live. However, as much as I hate to admit it, what she said totally hit me. A lot of things in the past served as building blocks that have created this stupid perspective, despite the fact that I fight hard to push those memories down to the back of my mind where I'll have a hard time accessing them . Despite the fact that I know I shouldn't be thinking that way and I constantly try to fix how I think. And fix myself.

I constantly try to fix myself.

Life is always great until it isn't.

And my life always goes smoothly until something that never happens... happens.

But it's been a while and I thank God for that. He's been taking great care of me.

I've returned home from several trips without a scratch on my body and after bragging about that simple joy of mine, I was reminded that it was, in fact, normal for nothing bad to happen. And in my head, I think "Oh yeah. Sorry. I was just happy about it. That's all."

It's like I'm hesitant to fully soak into the OKAY-ness of my life right now and I don't know why. 

Everything's going well so far. I'm happy 80% of the time; lost in thoughts, questions and doubts during the other 10% but, that's normal, and the last ten is for those times when I cry for other people and get so caught up in their lives that it hurts me. But in general, I'm always happy. Always grateful. Always relieved when something that could have gone so badly turns out well or when something I thought would take countless hours only takes fifteen minutes or when I'm #160 in the line and they're already calling #154.

Always happy, always grateful but always walking on egg shells, praying to God that I don't step on the trigger of a nuclear bomb. Always tiptoeing my way through life, trying to prove that I'm not an accident waiting to happen and I'm not the key to Pandora's box and that I can do what they think I cannot do. Always finding myself between wide and narrow roads, choosing the wide ones at first because they look so nice and easy and then I end up trying to find my way through all the plants and thorns and shrubs just to get back to the freakin narrow road just because I couldn't get it out of my head.

I'm always happy, always grateful but always worried about losing the things that make me happy and the things I'm grateful for. Worried that things are too good to be true and somewhere along this streak of good fortune or this series of fortunate events is a scary monster waiting to tell me that I can't have everything I want after all. Waiting impatiently to take something away from me and make me pay for the good, happy, healthy life I've been living for a while and make me suffer for the fact that I haven't suffered in so long.

I got a little carried away over there. I don't know which thing I'm referring to anymore...

Forgive my imagination, it has a tendency to exaggerate my normal - human feelings and transform them into scary vivid motion pictures inside my brain which I try my very best to translate into words - a preventive measure to keep my head from exploding.

. . . . .

I'm in transition at the moment - in between processes, in between schools... I'm still quite surprised at how smoothly things have been going although, I have been praying like a trooper for the past months. I've been stumbling over one obstacle after another. Each one's getting bigger and scarier but, each gives more fulfillment than than the one before. Until I see the next obstacle up ahead and it scares me again but, I go anyway.

Things are going so well, it's freaking me out. It's not that I'm not happy about it and it's not that I'm not grateful... in case you didn't get to read the repetitive mentions above, haha!

I'm just mentally preparing myself for this narrow road to get narrower, for more nuclear bomb triggers hidden under egg shells I'm walking over, for the scary monster to get scarier and more impatient and have more vengeful things to say to me and for the key of Pandora's box to duplicate itself a thousand times making it easier for all the bad things to be unlocked and released into... my life.

But again...

THIS IS A HORRIBLE WAY TO THINK.

And then again...

I can't help but ask what the catch is this time!

There's always been a catch. I've always had to pay... something.

. . . . . 

But I know what I have to do anyway. And that makes me a walking contradiction but, I'm not denying it.

I'll take what I can get, hope for the best, be happy and grateful for every single blessing as of now but, be prepared for the worst of circumstances - not in a sadistic way but, in a way that will protect my heart from, getting hurt or being disappointed. (Saying all that makes me a talking cliche too but, I'm not denying that either. Oh well...)

Thank you Lord for answering almost every single prayer I've had for the past few months!!!

So, here's to this next week and how much it can affect the rest of my college life!

And here's to all my other concerns and how much it'll affect my life after that. 

Here's to the good things that have happened in the recent past and the not - so - good things that might happen in the near future....

But right now in this moment, as I think about everything that was and is to come later on, catch or no catch, I'm happy and truly grateful - always, always will be.

On Conquering Mt. Pulag

These are some of the photos taken by my brother
During one of those times we played the game:
Let's - Pretend - We're - Photographers & Models

. . . .

The photos above bear absolutely no relation to the text that follows. 

Heehee.

. . . . 

A month ago, I discovered how easy it is to book a vacation online. (Don't laugh at me, I'm not a tech girl.) I've always known that it was something people did all the time but, I've never gotten around to actually trying it out for myself until then. It's the type of thing that repels people by disguising itself as something difficult - and as Filipinos say it, masyadong matrabaho - but life recently taught me that you can make great things happen, if you're patient with the paperwork.

After a few texts, calls, e-mails, registration forms and bank deposits, our mini vacation was all set!

When: 05/17/13 - 9PM to 05/20/13 - 3AM

Where: Mt. Pulag National Park, Benguet

Why: Family Time/ Bucket List/ Why not?

Via ClubTravelNow

You should totally book with them!

Everyone's goal is to reach the top.

I vaguely remember what was running through my mind during the four hour hike. At one point, I was thinking about the people I wanted to climb my next mountain with... The weird - looking wild plants were also the subject of my thoughts for a while, as well as the logs on the ground that resembled octopus legs... Water, food, sleep, the sky, the cold, the heat, my cousins, Dora the Explorer... those things came across my mind too.

But 90% of the time, I just wanted to get to the top. IT WAS SO FREAKIN TIRING. There I was, somewhere along the trail, in between my two siblings who were way ahead of me and my parents who were far behind, wondering if we were anywhere near the summit and breathing in and out like it was my sole purpose in life to do so.

You sort of forget all the other things in life that stress you out because for the time being, the goal is to make it to the top.

And oh my gosh, words cannot express how great it felt to have been able to get there - in one piece and just in time for sunrise too!

I probably overuse the world beautiful - the same way I abuse the words love and hate and favorite... but, it's probably just my underdeveloped vocabulary because sometimes, I really struggle to find an alternative word to describe something that's so... beautiful!

BECAUSE IT WAS BEAUTIFUL UP THERE. I LOVED IT AND IT IS  NOW ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES IN LIFE.

. . . 

As I was taking everything in, I noticed that the mountains were as vast as the ones in New Zealand and that the air was as cold as the air in Japan. Distracted by those comparisons, I sort of had to remind myself that I was neither in New Zealand nor Japan.

I was here.

In the Philippines.

And that made me a really proud Filipino.

:)

Because our country is beautiful and I love it here!

Learning From The Best: My PETA Workshop Experience

One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that you held back... or that you could have done so much better or so much more if you weren't thinking so much about being able to speak Tagalog well or whatever.

However, what's done is done and although I'm pretty disappointed in myself as I always am after a performance, I''m really happy about how the entire experience turned out. People enjoyed the show, yay! The audience was very responsive all throughout the play, laughing during moments we didn't expect and stuff. And all of us wished we could do the show more than once because it was just really fun! Here are some of my favorite photos from the show, taken by Karl Nikolai Herrera Emerenciana. 

Rochelle proclaiming her love to childhood sweetheart, Alfred...

"Bilang panganay ay na sa aking kamay
Sisikapin kong lahat ay maibigay
Sa aking ina at mga kapatid
Saka na ang para sa sarili, para sa sarili..."

 Rochelle telling Steven about the water problem and sneaky Diego eves dropping at the back!

"Bestfriend, please do not leave me to deal with this foreign suitor!"

Best friends forever: Myleen and Rochelle

The entire PETA workshop highlighted both our strengths and weaknesses. It made known to us the things we should be proud of as well as the things we should, well, be more patient with ourselves for. The different activities revealed excellent writers, composers, dancers, singers, comedians and all sorts of talents and skills  just waiting to be discovered.

Ironically, one of the main things I learned is that there is still so much for me to learn. The main reason I signed up for the workshop, aside from the fact that I miss performing so much, is that I was sort of desperate to get out of my comfort zone, to do something completely new and not me and to just grow, you know? Well, I should really be careful about all this growth stuff that I keep wishing for because God keeps answering my prayers!

 Our amazing teachers, Maan Upeng and Sir Jeff, really squeezed the creative juices out of us. First of all, I've never spoken that much Tagalog in my whole life. That's probably the main reason why my friends watched me - because nobody believes that I can. :( Hahaha half joke.

Eto na nga...

Maliban sa pagsasalita sa Pilipino, sobrang dami ko pang natutunan.

Okay, wait never mind.

But yes, I learned a lot. Now, I have so much more respect for people who've chosen to pursue the arts instead of going the safe route. I don't think I'll ever be that brave but, it's inspiring to know that people like that exist. Some are just born for it, I guess... Apart from that, I learned how humbling it is to be in a room filled with people who are far more talented than we are. Intimidating too, definitely. However, sometimes we need it.

We need that smack in the face, that reminder that we aren't as great as we think or that there is still a whole lot of room for improvement. Sometimes, we need to humble ourselves and allow ourselves to be taught by people who truly know more than we do.

Thank you to Maam Upeng, Sir Jeff and the whole CMT family for a super great and enriching experience that I'll never ever forget! To all those people who are looking for something to do this summer, I recommend this. Sign up for next year's summer workshop!

The Punta Fuego Gang

After a gazillion cancelled trips with the barkada, we finally decided to push through with our half - baked Punta Fuego plan on Labor Day. Even if we were an hour behind schedule and we forgot so many things... and food, gas, toll and everything else was sort of bahala na, WE HAD THE BEST DAY EVER.

It just goes to show that all you really need is the right company.

And I doubt I'm ever gonna get tired of being with these guys. :)

They're the people that got me through high school,

that make me look forward to random parties I wouldn't normally attend,

that are good with spending a whole night just watching That's So Raven,

that automatically assume the responsibility of taking certain people home,

and that respect me enough to delete curse words from their vocab when they're in my house.

HAHAHAHAHA

Congratulations on our 2nd summer trip!

Now, let's pray we all grow up to be very wealthy so that, we can book Europe trip for all our future families. <3

I still don't understand why the boys duct taped their hands to the bottles....

I love my friends. :)

Time to Enjoy the Ride

(Stressed Photo)

Looking back at my last two entries, it's safe to say that my mind has been quite, uhm, messed up lately... because of certain reasons that I will keep to myself for now. Hohoho. Let's just say that I was looking at my life at a new perspective and I wasn't too happy with it. And I couldn't figure out why.

On the surface, everything was fine - as with most things but, there was still something that was making me cry and keeping me up at night. Although, I couldn't pinpoint what exactly that thing was, it was there.

To be honest, I didn't even have much to be sad about.

Everything was fine.

And I was comfortable.
And safe
And steady
And stable
And fine...

...like dead seaweed.

(I can't explain it okay.)

However, I've learned that when we have troubled minds and hearts, it's an opportunity for us to turn to God. And so, I did.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding.

Proverds 3: 5-6

See, I like having my life all figured out. I make a billion lists a day and every year, my planner is a major production because it has to be able to accommodate 365 days' worth of thoughts, lists, dreams, events, etc.  

But, God's been telling me that it's time to trust Him. As in, REALLY trust Him. It's time for me to let Him take control of my life. He's actually been nagging me about that for quite a while now and I've just been too stubborn to let Him. 

It's like I let God take the driver's seat a long time ago but, I've been backseat driving like crazy ever since! God's probably just laughing at me yapping about what I want, whether or not I want this, and all the stuff that makes me sound like a fickle-minded fool ...because He already knows what's in store for me and He's probably just dying for me to chill out.

It's still hard for me to believe the drastic measures I've taken to FML (Fix My Life) or whatever, haha! But, it's been done and now all I have to do is wait. 

While waiting, I've been crossing a lot of things off my summer to do list and yes, it's been quite fun. I've never been this chill about future plans though. There's usually Plan A-Z but, now there's only Plan A and if that doesn't work out, I still don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.

But maybe, that could be the lesson here? That it's actually quite normal for me not to know the future so, I shouldn't even bother trying to figure it all out? Hmm...

(Not stressed photo!)

Maybe God wants me to sit back, relax and quit backseat driving... so that I might actually enjoy the ride. :)

Must Refuel My Passion Tank NOW

(Disclaimer: I just had to release all this but, I swear I'm fine. Or I'll be good tomorrow! For sure.)

I've written about passion refills before. It could come in the form of a conversation, movie, new place and even a random book like Eat, Pray, Love - which is what I had written about in particular. But, let me skip the boring back story and get straight to the point.

I need one.

A real one. A real passion tank refill, I mean. Not something that'll make me really excited for a few minutes. Not some project to keep me preoccupied. Not the usual "something new" that comes every week. And I realized a few minutes ago, I doubt transferring to a different school for the sake of adventure or growth will fix this...

To give you an idea of what this is, here's an excerpt from a private entry I wrote last February. (Yeah, I've been feeling this on and off for quite a while now.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was that type of kid. Brace yourself for this loaded sentence: the write – because – I – wanna –write, draw – because – I – wanna –draw, make – a – whole – new – world – because – you – can, climb – the –trees – because – they’re – there, Dora the Explorer, save – the – animals and trees and even the whole world, if you can, type kind of kid.

And yet here I am now, 18 years old, half way through the second semester of my first year in college, taking up BS Architecture (my supposed biggest dream in life) at the University of Santo Tomas and trying my best to figure out why my passion tank keeps running dry. First day of the week, I've got my game face on, so ready to take on the tasks at hand but day three comes, and I’m debating with myself whether or not something like reading another book is worth doing, worrying about wasting time, over - analyzing little things, overthinking possibilities and panicking about, well, my life or where I am in my life or why I’m here or where I’m headed. Then, I start writing down my thoughts, or praying really hard or making tea to relax and eventually, I get a good night’s sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and all spruced up for life again. But, the wheel turns around and every now and then, I still find myself at the bottom of it. It’s a roller coaster that goes high up into the mountains of inspiration and motivation but, drops down so low to restlessness and unproductivity.

It sucks.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There. I've exposed a little bit of my messed up mind, my indecisiveness. People usually describe me as someone who's always filled with excitement and zest for life. And I usually am BUT, when I'm not... I'm like this. I'm this person that can't make up her mind and that lacks purpose and feels irrelevant.

Please don't judge. :(

Before this entry gets any deeper or more personal, allow me to swim up to the surface, take a breath and chill in the shallow for a while.

Yeah okay, let's stay shallow.

Ah! Here's a shallow update on my summer to do list:

Things To Do This Summer:

• Clear out my closet
• Go shopping
• Go out of town with family
• Go out of town with friends
• Catch up with people (Dated 3 friends I haven't seen in a while already, hooray!)

• Kanlungan outreach program (This took place last March 23 and I was super happy about it!)
• Sports Fest with Wordcomm Youth
• Build a model of my dream house
• Jzone Summer Camp
• Learn to use CAD
• Read at least 3 books
• Internship (For Architecture)
• Exercise/ Swim (Swam just once but, let's make that count.)
• Finish a painting (Just yesterday, yup!)
• PETA Workshop (Went through the interview, paid and I start next week WOOHOO) 
• Install shelves in my room
• Refocus on Details Ink.
• Bake a good batch of cookies
• Successfully make pannacotta
• Write, draw, pray and drive MORE (Could do everything even more though)

Well at least, I'm getting things done?

Wow, wait. Despite all those crossed out tasks, a week that's set for nothing but rest and ultimate chill-age can really take its toll on me! Why oh why oh why oh why... I think I really need to learn how to rest and chill without having to feel guilty and irrelevant and unproductive.

Uggh. I should stop. It's summer and I should be happy. I've done quite a lot and I should be happy. It's freakin Easter Sunday and I should be happy!! AND THANKFUL FOR LIFE, GOSH WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!

Hm. I guess I'll do what I always do during times like this - which is... look at the bright side, choose to be happy and erase from my mind all the questions of whether or not I truly am.

Time for Summer... Classes :(

After ten months of overworked minds, paper cuts and ink stained hands, our summer has finally arrived! I WAS SO EXCITED OKAY. Freshman year came and went as fast as lightning, I barely even noticed it. This morning, I went to school and realized it was the last time that I had to... well, for now at least. But the hallways were empty and the lockers were open and the fact it was really, truly, seriously SUMMER finally sank in.

So much to do, so little time!

I've learned that telling someone that you plan to do something helps you get it done. How? Well, I think it's just peer pressure. What would that someone think if you didn't do what you said you'd do, right? That pressure sort of awakens the competitive athlete inside you and boom - suddenly, you're doing everything you can to get it done.

With that,  I made a list of the things I really wanna do in the next two months and decided to blog about it - a feeble attempt at achieving all my summer goals but, it's worth a shot! 

Things To Do This Summer:

• Clear out my closet
• Go shopping
• Go out of town with family
• Go out of town with friends
• Catch up with people
• Kanlungan outreach program
• Sports Fest with Wordcomm Youth
• Build a model of my dream house
• Jzone Summer Camp
• Learn to use CAD
• Read at least 3 books
• Internship (For Architecture)
• Exercise/ Swim
• Finish a painting
• PETA Workshop
• Install shelves in my room
• Refocus on Details Ink.
• Bake a good batch of cookies
• Successfully make pannacotta
• Write, draw, pray and drive MORE

These are 20+ things I want to accomplish and I can't help but think of the future and go on dream mode and get all excited about EVERYTHING but... something always prevents me from going all out with the planning. It's as if I hit a wall every time I start thinking of logistics or when to do this or how much that would cost or whether or not I should commute there.

And then, I remember...

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I have summer classes.

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Kill me.