Hard Work > Talent

A month ago, I blogged about how boredom during Math 53 gave me an opportunity to start doodling again. This time, I have a whole lot more time on my hands to do exactly that! Yaay. :)

I prepared for this though. Spare time, I mean. I prepared by packing tons of pens and blank sketchbooks. I've already finished one 150 x 100 mm one from Muji. It's my 3rd one, if I'm not mistaken, and now I'm starting my 4th! But aside from that, I'm also using a larger one that measures 162 x 225 mm.

I learned a valuable thing from my friend, Cai, who recently discovered that she's a gifted calligrapher! (Check here!) Because of her, I learned the value of practice. :)

See, I don't like having to work hard. Each page of a sketchbook is a treasured thing - so much that I don't allow myself to make mistakes. It just has to be perfect on the first try. Else, that would be a waste of a perfectly good piece of paper. I put a lot of pressure on myself.

For example, the first 6 times I ever drew on envelope flaps produced the first 6 designs of Details Ink. The next 6 times produced the 6 designs of the 2012 collection... I didn't really give myself options. I didn't work hard to make it better and consequently, I didn't improve. I took comfort in the thought that it was good without me having to try too much or work too hard.

And that, my friends, is a horrible way to think.

My sister posted the following quote:

Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard.

I know that I have to sort of get off my high horse, tear down my pride and hold on to my pens and use them - again and again and again.

And that is why I'm really happy with all the time I have in my hands over here. It's because I get to draw. I get to draw and redraw and write and rewrite and basically, do things a little better than usual. It's time to raise my standards for myself once again. Oh, the excitement!

Here are some of the random doodles I've done on this trip so far. Please excuse the low resolution!!

This is a repost from the Details Ink blog:

In line with the Details Ink reINnovation, our Instagram account is now up & running! Stay tuned for a whole lot more doodles, inspirational quotes & lyrics and more! As our new tagline says – starting today – we’re giving you art, impact & everything in ink. :)

<<3

Just Some Post - Wicked Feels

A musical as great as the one I just watched always triggers a landslide of emotions for me. This isn't a Wicked review or anything. Just a bunch of my thoughts that are kind of all over the place right now and, uhm, they have absolutely nothing to do with the play itself but, I'll write about it anyway. Haha. Here it goes...

I've always claimed that I had a fear of auditions. Or auditioning. Or that I had stage fright. Or something.

That fear would explain why my knees shake whenever I perform in front of a big crowd and why my heart's even tighter when I'm in front of a small one, where I can see everyone's faces up close and thereby, witness their stone cold expressions when my attempts to impress them fail.

After watching Wicked, however, my desire to perform again overpowered that fear by a whole lot. And I realized that it wasn't auditioning itself that I feared. That's just the result of what it is that I'm really afraid of, I guess.

It's simple, really. My reason. It's the same reason why I don't really dance, why I don't draw people as much as I want to, why I don't paint even if I really wanna be the type of person that paints, why I don't finish a lot of songs I start writing and why I'm generally not fond of trying when success isn't guaranteed.

Auditions scare me because, well...
I just don't like coming face to face with my lack of abilities.

It's not fun huhuhu.
It hurts huhuhu.
A lot huhuhu.

That's why I choose not to try sometimes. It's horrible that I might have taught myself to bear with the regret that comes with not trying at all and that I'm so unequipped at dealing with the pain that comes with failure.

After Wicked, I realized how much I want to perform. I miss it. A lot. And it scares me that I might never be able to again - not so much because of the lack of time and opportunity (even if that's another big factor) but, it's really more cause of my lack of... courage? Haha.

I don't know when I'll ever be brave enough to put myself out there and, essentially, try my very best to get what I want, without the certainty of getting it.

(The only time I ever did that was when I filed to drop out of UST before securing my slot in UP, haha. Anyway...)

I always used to think and sometimes, I still like to think that I'm the type of person that gives her 100% but now, I'm having a hard time thinking of a time wherein I truly did. It feels as though I have yet to give my all. (This probably holds true for a lot of other aspects in my life; including dreams and architecture, etc. So, as with most of my blogs, I no longer know what I'm referring to anymore. Hahaha! Peace, friends. It's past my bed time.)

Anyway, back to my point.

I wish I was brave enough to audition for a musical. That's just the stupid little obstacle I have to overcome before I can start doing what I've allowed myself to miss for too long.

I wish I was brave enough to show people my lack of abilities - and to let them help me grow. I want to grow. Really, really, really. There are no words to explain how frustrated I am with myself, in almost all aspects of my life. But, I guess it's good that I'm seeing this - again - now that I'm currently in my Focus - On - Myself or Fix - My - Life mode. Lots of things to fix, I must say.

This year, I want to give my one hundred percent.
Somewhere...

My problem is I'm not quite sure which aspect of my life God wants me to invest in the most. I need that to be clear to me before I do start pouring my heart there. I just know that I want to... I want to be passionate about something. I want to want something enough to act on it. I want to want something enough to give my all.

(What am I talking about? Okay, let's wrap this up.)

Anyway, back to my point. Again.

So. Auditions. Lack of abilities. Frustrations with myself.
Ah, yes.

I wish that my desire to address all these things was strong enough for me to actually do so.

One day, I really will, I guess.
One day.
:)

Pride is Taking Less Than You Need

There are times when you know exactly what you need and how much you need it. There's a clear picture in your head of how much easier life would be if you just humble myself and either ask for help or accept an offer or just do that thing that [ you know ] would make things easier.

Life could be that simple.
But, it isn't.

It isn't simple for people who are too proud to admit that they can no longer take it.
Because they will suffer silently for a long, long time, until they really can't anymore. And that's when they'll admit it.

It isn't simple for people who are too proud to ask for help.
Because they will strive to do things on their own, until they're left with absolutely no choice but to ask.

It isn't simple for people who are too proud to accept the love and care that other people give.
Because they will deny the fact that they need it to pull through, until circumstances force them to let people in.

They push, until they really can't.
They wait, until they really can't.
They fight, until they really can't.
They protect their pride, until they really can't.

Meanwhile, they take less than they really need.

Life's Quite Frustrating (But, It's Fine)

Oh, nothing...

It's just one of those nights wherein you plan to sleep before 12 and end up thinking about everything you want to do in life as well as the possibility of not ever being able to. You end up thinking about the standards you set for yourself and how you might never be able to meet them.

It's scary how fast things can change and how everything can sort of just... backfire. And you know. Explode in your face and stuff. Life kind of punishes those who dare think that they can truly have their way. It's also pretty deceptive. Things turn around when you least expect them to.

I guess I already learned that a long time ago but unfortunately, in order for the stubborn to truly learn, they need to be taught more than once. And apparently, three times isn't enough for some.

It really isn't fair though. I mean, you teach yourself to accept a certain set of circumstances. Your circumstances. Whatever they may be. Eventually, you grow accustomed to them, learn to love them and then, you actually enjoy them. And then, as if on cue, things change.

Yup. Something comes up that will force you to reformat your game plan for the future and add even more factors and possibilities to the equation that is your life. In an instant, things are out of your hands. It's no longer your call. Like a hard slap on the face, a huge blow to your pride and giant reminder that you're not as strong as you think you are.

You're not superwoman.

......................As much as I hate to admit it, I really wish I was. Superwoman, I mean. Well, sometimes at least. If only I could do everything I want to do, say everything I want to say, be who I truly want to be **add more cheesy life stuff here** and I wish I could just give my 100% and not have to face the consequences of doing so! If only I would just stop giving less than my all, knowing that I can do so much more and yet fearing what might happen if I push myself too much and too hard. What am I saying? I don't even know anymore. 

Oh no. It's 3:26 am.

Please know that whenever I let myself truly feel the sadness I usually runaway from, I do so with the certainty that things will get better **add even more cheesy life stuff here** and to accept that life is just a giant, ugly, beautiful, horrible, amazing mess is probably the only way to stay sane.

(In other words, don't worry about me, I'm fine. Goodnight!)

Because It's Been Too Long

Polaroids from this new life, haha!

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been since my last entry. More than a month! The reason being that I haven't had any time to write since I entered UP - where I am simultaneously suffering and having the time of life!

Too much has happened in the past month. Let me just speed through it all....

• I met so many new people whom I learned to love in such a short period of time!
• I attended several seminars - for one, we had to wear corporate attire, which was pretty cool.
• The number of members of our youth group nearly doubled!
• I'm a much better and a much more legit driver now!!
• I've subtly injected a few girly items into my wardrobe. HAHA And I wear girly tops without getting forced now. What a miracle!
• I now understand that there's a lot more to UP JMA that just the parties. I'm happy I decided to apply for it cause I've been meeting great people and learning so much.
• ASAPHIL - UP is another highlight. I'm loving their app process so far!

ASAPHIL - UP Apps Team Building

• Already, I had two weeks with just 2-3 hours of sleep each night. Legit. There were even one or two nights where I worked straight from the afternoon till school time the next day, with a couple of 15 minute naps every few hours. The work load is crazy!
• Consequently, I fell asleep in 3 parties..... because, you know, it's not really my thing? Sleeping, on the other hand, is.

At URBN :(
(At least my friends didn't leave me! HAHAHA)

• It dawned on me that my stress level is directly proportional to my weight loss. In the last four weeks, I lost weight, gained it back then, lost and gained again. It's scary. 
• Also, I lost count of how many times I've gone through the stress cycle wherein you have no idea how you're gonna pull something off at first and then you feel like you're on top of the world once you actually do.

Basically...... I love UP. Haha! Every week is so filled with ups and downs, moments of ultimate chill vibes and moments of over the top STRESS! Remind me never to pray for a challenge again because God totally answered my prayer this time. With every week, comes a new challenge. It's overwhelming and scary and tiring and horrible and... great.

#WhatIsWrongWithMe

Maybe, I missed this feeling? Maybe, I'm only so happy about everything because it's just the start? I'm a hundred percent sure I'm gonna be crying about all these challenges some time in the hopefully - not - so - near future. Just saying. Forgive my half asleep thoughts.

Anyway, I just want to share one of the lessons I learned from all this.

Things pass. That's the lesson. No matter how stressed you are RIGHT NOW, it's going to pass. Your horrible schedule will only last for one semester and so will the reign of your terror prof. Haha! The tension you feel over an exam will vanish after you've taken it and it will be replaced by the best calmness in the world - which will also vanish when the next challenge arrives.

In my case, I lost a lot of weight... freaked out about it.... and then, gained it all back. I worried so much about the first plate we had 1 week to work on... and now we're already doing our 3rd one. There are a lot of things on my mind now: things due this week, my Math 17 exam on Friday, all the tasks for the orgs I'm applying for, what I'm doing next weekend, what my game plan for our current Arch 21 plan is and basically, how I'll freakin survive this sem.... All that's going on in my head and I'm trying to remind myself that IT. WILL. PASS. And I'll pull through. :(

This is one of my favorite quotes and my forever - note to self:
It always seems impossible until it is done.

Here's to the challenging week ahead!

A Series of Fortunate Events... What's The Catch?

(I swear this blog was supposed to be short... I don't know what happened.)

"I got everything I ever wanted. I'm so happy... I'm terrified. No one gets everything they want...

...of course, something bad is going to happen to me."

-Charlotte of Sex and the City

. . . . .

This is a horrible way to think and to live. However, as much as I hate to admit it, what she said totally hit me. A lot of things in the past served as building blocks that have created this stupid perspective, despite the fact that I fight hard to push those memories down to the back of my mind where I'll have a hard time accessing them . Despite the fact that I know I shouldn't be thinking that way and I constantly try to fix how I think. And fix myself.

I constantly try to fix myself.

Life is always great until it isn't.

And my life always goes smoothly until something that never happens... happens.

But it's been a while and I thank God for that. He's been taking great care of me.

I've returned home from several trips without a scratch on my body and after bragging about that simple joy of mine, I was reminded that it was, in fact, normal for nothing bad to happen. And in my head, I think "Oh yeah. Sorry. I was just happy about it. That's all."

It's like I'm hesitant to fully soak into the OKAY-ness of my life right now and I don't know why. 

Everything's going well so far. I'm happy 80% of the time; lost in thoughts, questions and doubts during the other 10% but, that's normal, and the last ten is for those times when I cry for other people and get so caught up in their lives that it hurts me. But in general, I'm always happy. Always grateful. Always relieved when something that could have gone so badly turns out well or when something I thought would take countless hours only takes fifteen minutes or when I'm #160 in the line and they're already calling #154.

Always happy, always grateful but always walking on egg shells, praying to God that I don't step on the trigger of a nuclear bomb. Always tiptoeing my way through life, trying to prove that I'm not an accident waiting to happen and I'm not the key to Pandora's box and that I can do what they think I cannot do. Always finding myself between wide and narrow roads, choosing the wide ones at first because they look so nice and easy and then I end up trying to find my way through all the plants and thorns and shrubs just to get back to the freakin narrow road just because I couldn't get it out of my head.

I'm always happy, always grateful but always worried about losing the things that make me happy and the things I'm grateful for. Worried that things are too good to be true and somewhere along this streak of good fortune or this series of fortunate events is a scary monster waiting to tell me that I can't have everything I want after all. Waiting impatiently to take something away from me and make me pay for the good, happy, healthy life I've been living for a while and make me suffer for the fact that I haven't suffered in so long.

I got a little carried away over there. I don't know which thing I'm referring to anymore...

Forgive my imagination, it has a tendency to exaggerate my normal - human feelings and transform them into scary vivid motion pictures inside my brain which I try my very best to translate into words - a preventive measure to keep my head from exploding.

. . . . .

I'm in transition at the moment - in between processes, in between schools... I'm still quite surprised at how smoothly things have been going although, I have been praying like a trooper for the past months. I've been stumbling over one obstacle after another. Each one's getting bigger and scarier but, each gives more fulfillment than than the one before. Until I see the next obstacle up ahead and it scares me again but, I go anyway.

Things are going so well, it's freaking me out. It's not that I'm not happy about it and it's not that I'm not grateful... in case you didn't get to read the repetitive mentions above, haha!

I'm just mentally preparing myself for this narrow road to get narrower, for more nuclear bomb triggers hidden under egg shells I'm walking over, for the scary monster to get scarier and more impatient and have more vengeful things to say to me and for the key of Pandora's box to duplicate itself a thousand times making it easier for all the bad things to be unlocked and released into... my life.

But again...

THIS IS A HORRIBLE WAY TO THINK.

And then again...

I can't help but ask what the catch is this time!

There's always been a catch. I've always had to pay... something.

. . . . . 

But I know what I have to do anyway. And that makes me a walking contradiction but, I'm not denying it.

I'll take what I can get, hope for the best, be happy and grateful for every single blessing as of now but, be prepared for the worst of circumstances - not in a sadistic way but, in a way that will protect my heart from, getting hurt or being disappointed. (Saying all that makes me a talking cliche too but, I'm not denying that either. Oh well...)

Thank you Lord for answering almost every single prayer I've had for the past few months!!!

So, here's to this next week and how much it can affect the rest of my college life!

And here's to all my other concerns and how much it'll affect my life after that. 

Here's to the good things that have happened in the recent past and the not - so - good things that might happen in the near future....

But right now in this moment, as I think about everything that was and is to come later on, catch or no catch, I'm happy and truly grateful - always, always will be.

Learning From The Best: My PETA Workshop Experience

One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that you held back... or that you could have done so much better or so much more if you weren't thinking so much about being able to speak Tagalog well or whatever.

However, what's done is done and although I'm pretty disappointed in myself as I always am after a performance, I''m really happy about how the entire experience turned out. People enjoyed the show, yay! The audience was very responsive all throughout the play, laughing during moments we didn't expect and stuff. And all of us wished we could do the show more than once because it was just really fun! Here are some of my favorite photos from the show, taken by Karl Nikolai Herrera Emerenciana. 

Rochelle proclaiming her love to childhood sweetheart, Alfred...

"Bilang panganay ay na sa aking kamay
Sisikapin kong lahat ay maibigay
Sa aking ina at mga kapatid
Saka na ang para sa sarili, para sa sarili..."

 Rochelle telling Steven about the water problem and sneaky Diego eves dropping at the back!

"Bestfriend, please do not leave me to deal with this foreign suitor!"

Best friends forever: Myleen and Rochelle

The entire PETA workshop highlighted both our strengths and weaknesses. It made known to us the things we should be proud of as well as the things we should, well, be more patient with ourselves for. The different activities revealed excellent writers, composers, dancers, singers, comedians and all sorts of talents and skills  just waiting to be discovered.

Ironically, one of the main things I learned is that there is still so much for me to learn. The main reason I signed up for the workshop, aside from the fact that I miss performing so much, is that I was sort of desperate to get out of my comfort zone, to do something completely new and not me and to just grow, you know? Well, I should really be careful about all this growth stuff that I keep wishing for because God keeps answering my prayers!

 Our amazing teachers, Maan Upeng and Sir Jeff, really squeezed the creative juices out of us. First of all, I've never spoken that much Tagalog in my whole life. That's probably the main reason why my friends watched me - because nobody believes that I can. :( Hahaha half joke.

Eto na nga...

Maliban sa pagsasalita sa Pilipino, sobrang dami ko pang natutunan.

Okay, wait never mind.

But yes, I learned a lot. Now, I have so much more respect for people who've chosen to pursue the arts instead of going the safe route. I don't think I'll ever be that brave but, it's inspiring to know that people like that exist. Some are just born for it, I guess... Apart from that, I learned how humbling it is to be in a room filled with people who are far more talented than we are. Intimidating too, definitely. However, sometimes we need it.

We need that smack in the face, that reminder that we aren't as great as we think or that there is still a whole lot of room for improvement. Sometimes, we need to humble ourselves and allow ourselves to be taught by people who truly know more than we do.

Thank you to Maam Upeng, Sir Jeff and the whole CMT family for a super great and enriching experience that I'll never ever forget! To all those people who are looking for something to do this summer, I recommend this. Sign up for next year's summer workshop!

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

(I'm sorry I forgot where I got this photo but, it isn't mine.)

The message in the photo makes so much sense to me, especially now.

Some people make it seem like it's so simple to do what you want.

(And I really envy those people.)

In truth, it should be.

Simple.

If you want that nice, new dress from Cotton On, go buy it.

If you're not happy with the plate you worked so hard on, start over.

If you want another slice of pizza then, ask for one!

If you've been wanting a Polaroid camera forever, then why didn't you just get one in the first place?!

If you've been dying to perform because it's been way too long, then what's stopping you??

If you're not happy in college, drop out!

KIDDING.

STAY IN SCHOOL.

Anyway...

People like me just make it really complicated.

It's never just me and what I want.

There are all these other factors to include in the equation.

Some of which are:

The effect my decision will have on my 25 year old self.

And also on my mommy self.

Convenience.

Whether or not I'll regret it an hour later.

Whether it's worth my hard - earned saved money.

Or my parents' money.

Transportation.

My own capabilities - or the lack of them.

What God would think.

What my family (and my very large extended family) would think.

And a lot of other things that I should totally delete from my mind but, can't.

But, going back to the photo above.

(Yes, please scroll up and read it again.)

What if you told yourself you'd finish the book?

What if it's a hassle to leave that restaurant?

What if you're too comfortable on the path you're on to get off it?

What, then?

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

UGGHH.

Why do I make everything so hard for myself...

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

...even if I'm fully aware that this too shall pass,

that God's got an awesome plan for me,

that things will eventually work out,

that not once did worrying ever help,

that all these things will be pretty small in hindsight

and all the other true cliches in life may apply too.

(And here comes what I both hate and love about blogs: the ending's gotta be positive!)

So, there.

I've released the negativity in my mind and now there's nothing left for me to do but, well, chill.

Yes.

I shall chill now.

Goodbye! :)

Must Refuel My Passion Tank NOW

(Disclaimer: I just had to release all this but, I swear I'm fine. Or I'll be good tomorrow! For sure.)

I've written about passion refills before. It could come in the form of a conversation, movie, new place and even a random book like Eat, Pray, Love - which is what I had written about in particular. But, let me skip the boring back story and get straight to the point.

I need one.

A real one. A real passion tank refill, I mean. Not something that'll make me really excited for a few minutes. Not some project to keep me preoccupied. Not the usual "something new" that comes every week. And I realized a few minutes ago, I doubt transferring to a different school for the sake of adventure or growth will fix this...

To give you an idea of what this is, here's an excerpt from a private entry I wrote last February. (Yeah, I've been feeling this on and off for quite a while now.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was that type of kid. Brace yourself for this loaded sentence: the write – because – I – wanna –write, draw – because – I – wanna –draw, make – a – whole – new – world – because – you – can, climb – the –trees – because – they’re – there, Dora the Explorer, save – the – animals and trees and even the whole world, if you can, type kind of kid.

And yet here I am now, 18 years old, half way through the second semester of my first year in college, taking up BS Architecture (my supposed biggest dream in life) at the University of Santo Tomas and trying my best to figure out why my passion tank keeps running dry. First day of the week, I've got my game face on, so ready to take on the tasks at hand but day three comes, and I’m debating with myself whether or not something like reading another book is worth doing, worrying about wasting time, over - analyzing little things, overthinking possibilities and panicking about, well, my life or where I am in my life or why I’m here or where I’m headed. Then, I start writing down my thoughts, or praying really hard or making tea to relax and eventually, I get a good night’s sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and all spruced up for life again. But, the wheel turns around and every now and then, I still find myself at the bottom of it. It’s a roller coaster that goes high up into the mountains of inspiration and motivation but, drops down so low to restlessness and unproductivity.

It sucks.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There. I've exposed a little bit of my messed up mind, my indecisiveness. People usually describe me as someone who's always filled with excitement and zest for life. And I usually am BUT, when I'm not... I'm like this. I'm this person that can't make up her mind and that lacks purpose and feels irrelevant.

Please don't judge. :(

Before this entry gets any deeper or more personal, allow me to swim up to the surface, take a breath and chill in the shallow for a while.

Yeah okay, let's stay shallow.

Ah! Here's a shallow update on my summer to do list:

Things To Do This Summer:

• Clear out my closet
• Go shopping
• Go out of town with family
• Go out of town with friends
• Catch up with people (Dated 3 friends I haven't seen in a while already, hooray!)

• Kanlungan outreach program (This took place last March 23 and I was super happy about it!)
• Sports Fest with Wordcomm Youth
• Build a model of my dream house
• Jzone Summer Camp
• Learn to use CAD
• Read at least 3 books
• Internship (For Architecture)
• Exercise/ Swim (Swam just once but, let's make that count.)
• Finish a painting (Just yesterday, yup!)
• PETA Workshop (Went through the interview, paid and I start next week WOOHOO) 
• Install shelves in my room
• Refocus on Details Ink.
• Bake a good batch of cookies
• Successfully make pannacotta
• Write, draw, pray and drive MORE (Could do everything even more though)

Well at least, I'm getting things done?

Wow, wait. Despite all those crossed out tasks, a week that's set for nothing but rest and ultimate chill-age can really take its toll on me! Why oh why oh why oh why... I think I really need to learn how to rest and chill without having to feel guilty and irrelevant and unproductive.

Uggh. I should stop. It's summer and I should be happy. I've done quite a lot and I should be happy. It's freakin Easter Sunday and I should be happy!! AND THANKFUL FOR LIFE, GOSH WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!

Hm. I guess I'll do what I always do during times like this - which is... look at the bright side, choose to be happy and erase from my mind all the questions of whether or not I truly am.