Creativity at Its Real-est [Reposted]

[ I wrote this entry on May 2012 on my old blog and decided to re-post it because it's how I feel now.  Weird how my feelings seem to go around in cycles... just like my profile pictures, haha... so, I can just re-use old material in order for me to express them huhu. Anyway, I'm basically trying to get over my fear of unsatisfactory output so, here. Uhhhh happy reading, I guess. Haha. ]

"Why do I keep evading my work?

Is it because I'm afraid of being confronted by my lack of abilities?"

- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex in the City

(perfect example of the ugly-but-REAL type of art)

I guess I’m the type of person who strives to get better all the time… at specific things or better, as a person in general.  I've made a billion lists of places to go, things to do, things to improve on, ways to improve on them and things like that.

Learn how to paint. Learn how to draw people. Learn how to do this. Learn how to do that… Those things are always on the list. I never wanted to learn formally though because I really wasn’t  fond of rules and restrictions. I just wanted to learn in my own way and in my own time. (And sometimes, that’s a bad thing.)

Unfortunately, I was also the type of person who disowned “ugly” art. I never wanted to be associated with anything "below satisfactory." Ang yabang. Huhu shame.  There were many instances when I didn’t even finish what I was working on because I felt the outcome wouldn’t look good. Once there was a trace of ugly, I’d get so frustrated. Feeling all discouraged, I’d either leave it unfinished or throw it away. That way, no one would have to see it and I wouldn’t ever be reminded of my failure as an artist again.

But after reading Creativity is a Verb by Patty Digh, my entire perspective on art changed. The book was basically about how we should all just stop focusing on the outcome and start being real. There’s a big difference between drawing just cause you want to and drawing cause you want to show people that you can. The former allows you to enjoy the process while the latter just causes you to stress over the outcome.

(Journey over destination. Process over outcome.)

The message of the book was pretty simple… if you want to paint, then paint! It’s perfectly normal for your first try to be far from a masterpiece but, if you make that your standard and refuse to paint unless the outcome is a masterpiece, then you’ll never paint. That was my problem. I feared my own failure. I knew, for example, that I couldn’t draw people well. And because of that, I never drew people. (I drew robots instead, haha.)

I didn’t fail… because I didn’t try. But, I didn’t get to learn either.

That book taught me to stop sugar coating my thoughts and ideas. To draw whatever I feel like drawing, even if other people might not understand what it is. To write exactly what I want to write, no matter how stupid or confusing it might seem in the end. I learned that creativity isn’t about a perfect outcome, or being as good as those award – winning artists. It’s about acknowledging and accepting yourself with all your crazy thoughts, ideas and imperfections.

For so many people, myself included, art is a way to express yourself when words aren’t enough. And that honesty is precisely what makes it so beautiful.

[ I should try it more often. ]

Ignore all the critics. Stop all the measurement. Detach from outcome.

Life's Quite Frustrating (But, It's Fine)

Oh, nothing...

It's just one of those nights wherein you plan to sleep before 12 and end up thinking about everything you want to do in life as well as the possibility of not ever being able to. You end up thinking about the standards you set for yourself and how you might never be able to meet them.

It's scary how fast things can change and how everything can sort of just... backfire. And you know. Explode in your face and stuff. Life kind of punishes those who dare think that they can truly have their way. It's also pretty deceptive. Things turn around when you least expect them to.

I guess I already learned that a long time ago but unfortunately, in order for the stubborn to truly learn, they need to be taught more than once. And apparently, three times isn't enough for some.

It really isn't fair though. I mean, you teach yourself to accept a certain set of circumstances. Your circumstances. Whatever they may be. Eventually, you grow accustomed to them, learn to love them and then, you actually enjoy them. And then, as if on cue, things change.

Yup. Something comes up that will force you to reformat your game plan for the future and add even more factors and possibilities to the equation that is your life. In an instant, things are out of your hands. It's no longer your call. Like a hard slap on the face, a huge blow to your pride and giant reminder that you're not as strong as you think you are.

You're not superwoman.

......................As much as I hate to admit it, I really wish I was. Superwoman, I mean. Well, sometimes at least. If only I could do everything I want to do, say everything I want to say, be who I truly want to be **add more cheesy life stuff here** and I wish I could just give my 100% and not have to face the consequences of doing so! If only I would just stop giving less than my all, knowing that I can do so much more and yet fearing what might happen if I push myself too much and too hard. What am I saying? I don't even know anymore. 

Oh no. It's 3:26 am.

Please know that whenever I let myself truly feel the sadness I usually runaway from, I do so with the certainty that things will get better **add even more cheesy life stuff here** and to accept that life is just a giant, ugly, beautiful, horrible, amazing mess is probably the only way to stay sane.

(In other words, don't worry about me, I'm fine. Goodnight!)

Post - Sem Realizations

This post is a week late but, I've been wanting to write about everything for toooo long.
Because tooo much has happened and toooo much is happening.
And I really need to pause and process everything. Haha.

This is how our dining table looked during the finals week of last semester,
on the night before the deadline of all three final plates.
x_x

All throughout the sem, I was tired and sleep - deprived but still, I couldn't complain. Well, fine. I did complain but, I shouldn't have because it was my fault for choosing to get into so many non - academic activities. And I guess I was surviving. Haha. However, in the latter part of September, instructions for all the final requirements were given and the deadlines were set. After compiling it all in one neat list, I got totally overwhelmed.

It. Was. Just. Too. Much.

Do you know that feeling when you have a billion things to do but, you just can't do any of them? You just sit there and stare into space and think about which  plate to start working on or which paper to start writing. You contemplate on whether it's better to start studying for your org interview the next morning or your math finals the day after. Or if it's better to just stop everything and follow your heart... and chill with your friends or your family OR SLEEP, cause obviously that's all you wanna do. Haha!

Half the time, you're paralyzed, thinking about your game plan. You're just worrying or complaining about the amount of work there is but, it takes a while for you to actually DO anything. It's like you need just as much time for mental and emotional preparation, as for the actual execution of the tasks.

Well, at least that's how it is for me. :( I write the things to do again and again and break it all down to sub points, with the hopes that by doing so, the tasks will magically get.. uhm... easier and less scary. Haha. 

Oh yeah. What was both a blessing and a curse was the fact that I had to finish everything the day before the actual deadline because my sister and I had to leave for the airport at 3 AM on that fjdfalnmlmdk triple submission day... so, yeah.

Everyone was stressing out though. Not just me. You know that it's already finals week when the students start disappearing at the arki building. Haha. That's the indicator... it means everyone's "working" haha. There were many people suffering from Math 53, Physics 71 and Arch 4... subjects that will kill me later on in my UP Arki life. Haha.... anyway.
(Sorry I keep saying haha....)

"I lost count of how many times I've gone through the stress cycle wherein you have no idea how you're gonna pull something off at first and then you feel like you're on top of the world once you actually do."

That's what I wrote in my July blog. Imagine how many times we all went through the stress cycle since then... @-)

It feels as though it was just yesterday when I was freaking out about having to take 4 majors and panicking about how in the world I'd pull everything off.

And then, there was that beautiful, wonderful, awesome, amazing, moment... when I handed over my plates at 2:30 in the morning and thought...

"Oh my gosh. I did it."

Just like that and it's all over. I submitted the stress along with all the plates and sem break has been pretty great! For two weeks straight, I was basically in panic mode, working like a machine, with barely any sleep. (Except for the times I took naps that were ideally meant to be only 10 minutes long. Hehez.) and immediately after that, I went on a trip with my sister that made up for every single stressful moment in the past semester worth it. Hahaha.

 Isn't it weird? How fast life just switches from stress mode to chill mode and back? I can't get over it. I can't get over the fact that it's done... because honestly, I know that there are much harder things in life but... that was pretty challenging okay! :( So I'm just so, so, super happy it's done. Allow me to be happy before I start thinking of how difficult next sem will be haha.... huhu but, I guess I'll just have to take the same mindset with me. I just have to live with the awareness that whatever I'm going through is temporary. And because it's 10:09 PM and I'm getting sleepy, I shall just quote my old blog again hehehez

"Things pass. That's the lesson. No matter how stressed you are RIGHT NOW, it's going to pass. Your horrible schedule will only last for one semester and so will the reign of your terror prof. Haha! The tension you feel over an exam will vanish after you've taken it and it will be replaced by the best calmness in the world - which will also vanish when the next challenge arrives."

Again, I wanna end with my extremely effective note to self - and what I re-realized after seeing how it all panned out...

It always seems impossible until it is done.

Congrats to everyone. We're all one sem closer to getting out of college, yaaay! Heehee. Goodnight. :)

PS. I will never pray for a challenge again. Hahaha jk