Must Refuel My Passion Tank NOW

(Disclaimer: I just had to release all this but, I swear I'm fine. Or I'll be good tomorrow! For sure.)

I've written about passion refills before. It could come in the form of a conversation, movie, new place and even a random book like Eat, Pray, Love - which is what I had written about in particular. But, let me skip the boring back story and get straight to the point.

I need one.

A real one. A real passion tank refill, I mean. Not something that'll make me really excited for a few minutes. Not some project to keep me preoccupied. Not the usual "something new" that comes every week. And I realized a few minutes ago, I doubt transferring to a different school for the sake of adventure or growth will fix this...

To give you an idea of what this is, here's an excerpt from a private entry I wrote last February. (Yeah, I've been feeling this on and off for quite a while now.)

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I was that type of kid. Brace yourself for this loaded sentence: the write – because – I – wanna –write, draw – because – I – wanna –draw, make – a – whole – new – world – because – you – can, climb – the –trees – because – they’re – there, Dora the Explorer, save – the – animals and trees and even the whole world, if you can, type kind of kid.

And yet here I am now, 18 years old, half way through the second semester of my first year in college, taking up BS Architecture (my supposed biggest dream in life) at the University of Santo Tomas and trying my best to figure out why my passion tank keeps running dry. First day of the week, I've got my game face on, so ready to take on the tasks at hand but day three comes, and I’m debating with myself whether or not something like reading another book is worth doing, worrying about wasting time, over - analyzing little things, overthinking possibilities and panicking about, well, my life or where I am in my life or why I’m here or where I’m headed. Then, I start writing down my thoughts, or praying really hard or making tea to relax and eventually, I get a good night’s sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and all spruced up for life again. But, the wheel turns around and every now and then, I still find myself at the bottom of it. It’s a roller coaster that goes high up into the mountains of inspiration and motivation but, drops down so low to restlessness and unproductivity.

It sucks.

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There. I've exposed a little bit of my messed up mind, my indecisiveness. People usually describe me as someone who's always filled with excitement and zest for life. And I usually am BUT, when I'm not... I'm like this. I'm this person that can't make up her mind and that lacks purpose and feels irrelevant.

Please don't judge. :(

Before this entry gets any deeper or more personal, allow me to swim up to the surface, take a breath and chill in the shallow for a while.

Yeah okay, let's stay shallow.

Ah! Here's a shallow update on my summer to do list:

Things To Do This Summer:

• Clear out my closet
• Go shopping
• Go out of town with family
• Go out of town with friends
• Catch up with people (Dated 3 friends I haven't seen in a while already, hooray!)

• Kanlungan outreach program (This took place last March 23 and I was super happy about it!)
• Sports Fest with Wordcomm Youth
• Build a model of my dream house
• Jzone Summer Camp
• Learn to use CAD
• Read at least 3 books
• Internship (For Architecture)
• Exercise/ Swim (Swam just once but, let's make that count.)
• Finish a painting (Just yesterday, yup!)
• PETA Workshop (Went through the interview, paid and I start next week WOOHOO) 
• Install shelves in my room
• Refocus on Details Ink.
• Bake a good batch of cookies
• Successfully make pannacotta
• Write, draw, pray and drive MORE (Could do everything even more though)

Well at least, I'm getting things done?

Wow, wait. Despite all those crossed out tasks, a week that's set for nothing but rest and ultimate chill-age can really take its toll on me! Why oh why oh why oh why... I think I really need to learn how to rest and chill without having to feel guilty and irrelevant and unproductive.

Uggh. I should stop. It's summer and I should be happy. I've done quite a lot and I should be happy. It's freakin Easter Sunday and I should be happy!! AND THANKFUL FOR LIFE, GOSH WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!

Hm. I guess I'll do what I always do during times like this - which is... look at the bright side, choose to be happy and erase from my mind all the questions of whether or not I truly am.

Inspired by the Traveling Pants

Although I was never really fond of lucky charms and the like, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants could very well be one of my favorite movies - not so much because of the special pants themselves but, more of the stories behind each character.

As you can see, there are four of them: Bridget, Carmen, Lina and Tibby. Bridget's a soccer superstar and the most outgoing and fun - loving of them all. It's probably a coping mechanism for her mom's death but, who knows. Tibby's an aspiring filmmaker, whose rebellious, couldn't - care - less nature was challenged by an annoying 12 year old with Leukemia, whom she learned to love. Lina's an awkward, conservative writer and artist, just breaking out of her shell and finally, there's Carmen - who, having been left by her father, isn't the most stable person in the world but, is pretty brilliant nonetheless.

I just finished watching the movie.

Again.

And suddenly, I wanna fly to Santorini (or anywhere) and draw everything I see, write about all my friends, interview every interesting person I know and make a good movie (or blog) out of it, join a camp in another country and, well, send a package via FedEx. Haha, what is inspired!

Apart from making me cry really hard, the movie got me to think about all the things I want to do in life. Here's an exchange between Lina and some Greek guy... whose name escapes me.

"I'm jealous of her."

"Why?"

"Because she knows who she is."

"Don't you?"

"I know who I want to be."

I guess it's something to think about - who we are vs. who we want to be? I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this but, I can certainly identify with her. I know who I want to be. I know that... I want to be the type of girl that just flies to Santorini or the type that draws everything she sees and interviews people for fun and joins camps in other countries and uses FedEx to send stuff over. That type of girl.

It's not that I'm unhappy with who I am - which is the type of girl that falls asleep in clubs and holds private concerts in the shower and makes a billion lists everyday and enjoys stressing over projects and is incapable of completely chilling and intentionally does something new every week. I guess I like being that girl too but, please forgive me for wanting to, well, expand my horizons, experience completely new things, go out on adventures and just live more.

Exciting, right? Imagine where you are right now and where you could be in a year! It makes you think about your story and how much potential it has.

Anyway, I'll end this with a perfect line from a Natasha Begindfeild song.

"Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten."

:)

Time for Summer... Classes :(

After ten months of overworked minds, paper cuts and ink stained hands, our summer has finally arrived! I WAS SO EXCITED OKAY. Freshman year came and went as fast as lightning, I barely even noticed it. This morning, I went to school and realized it was the last time that I had to... well, for now at least. But the hallways were empty and the lockers were open and the fact it was really, truly, seriously SUMMER finally sank in.

So much to do, so little time!

I've learned that telling someone that you plan to do something helps you get it done. How? Well, I think it's just peer pressure. What would that someone think if you didn't do what you said you'd do, right? That pressure sort of awakens the competitive athlete inside you and boom - suddenly, you're doing everything you can to get it done.

With that,  I made a list of the things I really wanna do in the next two months and decided to blog about it - a feeble attempt at achieving all my summer goals but, it's worth a shot! 

Things To Do This Summer:

• Clear out my closet
• Go shopping
• Go out of town with family
• Go out of town with friends
• Catch up with people
• Kanlungan outreach program
• Sports Fest with Wordcomm Youth
• Build a model of my dream house
• Jzone Summer Camp
• Learn to use CAD
• Read at least 3 books
• Internship (For Architecture)
• Exercise/ Swim
• Finish a painting
• PETA Workshop
• Install shelves in my room
• Refocus on Details Ink.
• Bake a good batch of cookies
• Successfully make pannacotta
• Write, draw, pray and drive MORE

These are 20+ things I want to accomplish and I can't help but think of the future and go on dream mode and get all excited about EVERYTHING but... something always prevents me from going all out with the planning. It's as if I hit a wall every time I start thinking of logistics or when to do this or how much that would cost or whether or not I should commute there.

And then, I remember...

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I have summer classes.

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Kill me.