Just Some Post - Wicked Feels

A musical as great as the one I just watched always triggers a landslide of emotions for me. This isn't a Wicked review or anything. Just a bunch of my thoughts that are kind of all over the place right now and, uhm, they have absolutely nothing to do with the play itself but, I'll write about it anyway. Haha. Here it goes...

I've always claimed that I had a fear of auditions. Or auditioning. Or that I had stage fright. Or something.

That fear would explain why my knees shake whenever I perform in front of a big crowd and why my heart's even tighter when I'm in front of a small one, where I can see everyone's faces up close and thereby, witness their stone cold expressions when my attempts to impress them fail.

After watching Wicked, however, my desire to perform again overpowered that fear by a whole lot. And I realized that it wasn't auditioning itself that I feared. That's just the result of what it is that I'm really afraid of, I guess.

It's simple, really. My reason. It's the same reason why I don't really dance, why I don't draw people as much as I want to, why I don't paint even if I really wanna be the type of person that paints, why I don't finish a lot of songs I start writing and why I'm generally not fond of trying when success isn't guaranteed.

Auditions scare me because, well...
I just don't like coming face to face with my lack of abilities.

It's not fun huhuhu.
It hurts huhuhu.
A lot huhuhu.

That's why I choose not to try sometimes. It's horrible that I might have taught myself to bear with the regret that comes with not trying at all and that I'm so unequipped at dealing with the pain that comes with failure.

After Wicked, I realized how much I want to perform. I miss it. A lot. And it scares me that I might never be able to again - not so much because of the lack of time and opportunity (even if that's another big factor) but, it's really more cause of my lack of... courage? Haha.

I don't know when I'll ever be brave enough to put myself out there and, essentially, try my very best to get what I want, without the certainty of getting it.

(The only time I ever did that was when I filed to drop out of UST before securing my slot in UP, haha. Anyway...)

I always used to think and sometimes, I still like to think that I'm the type of person that gives her 100% but now, I'm having a hard time thinking of a time wherein I truly did. It feels as though I have yet to give my all. (This probably holds true for a lot of other aspects in my life; including dreams and architecture, etc. So, as with most of my blogs, I no longer know what I'm referring to anymore. Hahaha! Peace, friends. It's past my bed time.)

Anyway, back to my point.

I wish I was brave enough to audition for a musical. That's just the stupid little obstacle I have to overcome before I can start doing what I've allowed myself to miss for too long.

I wish I was brave enough to show people my lack of abilities - and to let them help me grow. I want to grow. Really, really, really. There are no words to explain how frustrated I am with myself, in almost all aspects of my life. But, I guess it's good that I'm seeing this - again - now that I'm currently in my Focus - On - Myself or Fix - My - Life mode. Lots of things to fix, I must say.

This year, I want to give my one hundred percent.
Somewhere...

My problem is I'm not quite sure which aspect of my life God wants me to invest in the most. I need that to be clear to me before I do start pouring my heart there. I just know that I want to... I want to be passionate about something. I want to want something enough to act on it. I want to want something enough to give my all.

(What am I talking about? Okay, let's wrap this up.)

Anyway, back to my point. Again.

So. Auditions. Lack of abilities. Frustrations with myself.
Ah, yes.

I wish that my desire to address all these things was strong enough for me to actually do so.

One day, I really will, I guess.
One day.
:)

The Sophomores Hit Sagada

Ilocos 2013

Shortly after our Ilocos Trip last year, the Arki sophomores were already looking forward to our next big thing. Back then, I wrote about new friends and good vibes, as I had only met everyone two months before it. It was super fun, yes, but, this trip was known to be even better. :)

At around 3 PM on the day of our departure, hardly anyone could pay any more attention to the Building Materials lecture being given by our professor. By that time, you could already hear the random screams from both Arki buildings. You could already see the random bursts of excitement. From everyone. It was crystal clear on all our faces.

People left their respective classrooms with giant smiles and eventually, left the school campus and headed for the grocery to shop. Yes, food for the bus is a very important part of a field trip. People left to pack and others left to buy things last minute. No one was thinking of academics anymore. No one could. Because it was time.

It was finally time for Sagada. :)

I'm about to turn this into a photo blog because there's just too much to say about the trip and I don't want to bore you with words, haha. But since a picture is worth a thousand words, here are a some of my favorite photos from our trip! [Heehee it was really great, I'm still so happy. I can't get over it.]

From back to front : Dav, Renzo, Kyle, Gabby, Lance, Big, Kat

Left: Madrid/ Joson students modeling by the gabions. Cause they knew what it was. Cause they learned about it in their class. Huhuhu

Right: Being tired from trekking = Lying down on the grass = Taking a cheesy friendship photo. <3

"Parang isa lang yung barber dito." (Dela Rosa, 2014)

No matter what their gender was, the little kids were super cute, with rosy cheeks and hair like that cutie in the photo above. Hahaha. 

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Okay, here. One of my favorite parts of our trip was the traditional wedding we attended. Apparently, weddings last for around 3 days over there. The first day is for the couple - it's the ceremony itself. The next two days, however, are for the community. It's all fun and festive, with lots of gong - playing and dancing, eating and drinking... so much happy vibes. 

 After a few rounds of watching them do their thing, it was our turn. And that was the fun part! We all kind of just stepped in the circle and did what we were told. I'm pretty sure we all looked as stupid as we felt while dancing but, man, it was pretty fun to do so!

Gabe, learning the dance 

Anna and Tomoko

I think it's pretty obvious how happy we were and how much fun we were having. Haha. After a while, they sort of cleared the floor and a man started dancing alone in the center. Then, I kind of freaked out a bit because he looked at me and told me to join him. And so I did...

Thank you, Gabe, for taking my pictures during this dance!

 

I'm sorry for being so awkward and nervous. For some dance steps, he needed to hold my hand and come pretty close and stuff. Hahaha.

I had fun and I was super happy!

Until I realized that it was an engagement dance...

HAHAHA KIDDING

But, that's what people were joking me about after.

Whoops, what if I accidentally got engaged for real?

Scary. Haha. Anyway, after that, the boys had their turn of playing the gongs too.

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We weren't really lucky with during the sunset and sunrise, haha. It was all clouds and fog but, yeah yeah yeah, because of the company, it was beautiful and meaningful nonetheless. #cheesy

Happy Lance.

Serious Mico.

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From Sagada, we took an 8 hour bus ride back to Baguio. The trip was pretty tiring, I gotta admit. It was my first time back in Baguio in a long while and man, it's changed a lot. There were so many people. The traffic was pretty bad. And there's now a giant SM over there. Huhuhu.

My heart always breaks a little whenever I see a place that's been transformed by commercialism and modernization - especially, when I witnessed what it once was. It used to be so beautiful. Huhu. It makes me so sad and so, so, SO scared for places that haven't been affected in that way yet.

I got so scared for Sagada.

It's such a simple community but, they're efficient and they're "modern" in their own way. Just enough, I guess. I'm gonna pray every single day now - that their culture and way of life is preserved and respected - enough for others NOT to try to change things up over there. I'm aware that there's always a good side to moving forward but, the manner by which it's done always leaves room for a billion consequences.

Hopefully, when I go back up there ten years from now with my future kids, they'll still be able to witness a traditional wedding and dance with the locals. And God, I'm hoping and praying that when I do go back ten years from know, there won't be a giant shopping mall blocking the view from our little inn. Hopefully, there'll still be that Sagada Lemon Pie House, the Yogurt House, that Sagada Weaving place and that we'll still be forced to walk everywhere, haha... hopefully, the people there love their culture enough not to let it go. Ever.

Huhuhu so much feels...

If you're still reading, thank you. This blog entry is much longer than I intended for it to be. But, don't worry, it's about done. I'm about to finish here because I really need to start working on my homework, haha. Thank you Lord for that wonderful break from Thursday night to Monday morning, for the amazing people I shared this experience with and for giving me the privilege of witnessing the beautiful culture of the people in Sagada. 

And just as I do whenever I have as much happy vibes as I do now, I shall end this blog with the simplest one liner that, I'm hoping, captures all the contentment and happiness in the world...

Oh, life is good. :)

Sagada 2014, Photo taken by Gilbert Bercero

The Bridal Shower

When you've been friends with a group of people all your life;

When you've traveled together;

When you've had countless sleepovers together;

And when you've gotten waaaay too comfortable around each other...

You tend to think that you're all somewhat the same age.

And when you all feel that you're at least in the same range when it comes to age,

it becomes kind of hard to grasp when one of you gets engaged!

Although it's been almost two years since her announcement, I still find it quite difficult to wrap my mind around the fact that JAMIE'S GETTING MARRIED IN TWENTY DAYS!

Yes, this seemingly 15 year old lady is actually a bride - to be. <3

She's my sister's best friend.

So, my sister, Gab,  is the maid of honor and the mastermind behind the cutest FIRST bridal shower of our group!

Our bridal shower was bedroom - themed. We had lots of photos, signs, decor and girly things around the room and for our outfits for the day, we had customized shirts made from Vrtx!

(Such an awesome shirt store, go check it out on Facebook!)

For dessert, we had pre - ordered Red Velvet Jars from Gab's office - mate. The letters were just painted pink and stuck onto the jar caps to add the the girly - ness of the room. This blog is actually so pink, it's crazy.

We had a bunch of games too. If you can see the things hanging around our waists, you might be able to guess the game. Haha! It was pretty fun... well it's always fun with this group. <3

Anyway, I can't believe I almost didn't go to this thing. This bridal shower really filled my happy - tank. Well, it was more of the people involved. The pink-ness and cute-ness and girly-ness just added a whole lot.

Even if it stole a whole day of work which could have been used for doing plates, it was totally worth it. It was an entire day of watching Jamie do scavenger hunt tasks, forcing Jamie to approach random strangers and announce her bride-to-be-ness, laughing at Jamie, making fun of Jamie, being excited for Jamie, giving gifts to Jamie and making Jamie happy. <3

I'm super duper happy to have this group of girls in my life. Huhuhu so much happy vibes, I want to cry. As in, happy cry! Oh, life is good. :)

Can't wait till the next bridal shower!

Oh wait.

Can't wait till the wedding!

Jamie Raule x Don Avelino
20 DAYS TO GO

<3