It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn

What a year.

Shake It Out by Florence + The Machines is my song for myself at the moment.

This Christmas, I feel, was filled with the entire spectrum of emotions - so much love and so much pain. So much sorrow and so much gratitude. It was a happy - sad holiday. Life hasn't exactly been that easy for a lot of people but, I realized that that's okay. That's life.

2013 is almost over and I'm thankful for the awesome & horrible year that it was. I'm thankful for the the countless pain - filled moments as well as all of those that were just filled with love.

Pain. Change. Growth. Choices. Tears. Joy.

Thank God for the year.

But, it's time to look ahead.

I wanna be excited for life again.
I wanna be genuinely happy again.

I wanna love life the way I used to,
And live life with the passion I once had.

I guess this is my I'm - gonna - change - my - life - again song.

Because that's what I plan to do.

In 2014, things are gonna get better.
:)

Looove is All You Neeed

With my sister.

With my mom and number one caregiver.

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I doubt we'll ever be able to fully understand why God allows certain things to happen. It can be very frustrating. You're left to think all sorts of things and ask all sorts of questions but, the most agonizing one of all is why - because I don't think there's a clear cut answer to that. We kind of have to figure that part out for ourselves. Of course, there's also what if, which is just as much torture because we're really never gonna know.

The during part is the worst. In the midst of all the pain, you force yourself to see things in an optimistic point of view. You tell yourself that it's gonna be fine. That you're fine. And it works, sometimes. You try to distract yourself with other things in order to avoid your own thoughts and emotions. It'll hurt too much and weigh you down, much lower.

While something bad is happening, it's quite hard to see the light. Afterwards, however, it gets a little easier. :)

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"Dad, why do you keep taking pictures?!"

"Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if is's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place." 

- The Shank-WM. Paul Young

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[ By the way, I'm laughing in that photo. Haha. ]

Anyway, I recently received a question on my ask.fm that made me super, duper happy. Like, I literally said "Aww" with a smile after re-reading my answer. Hehehe.

What's the best feeling ever? 

I love this question. I have a lot, I think. But I think this is the bestest.

Realizing that you are loved... it's probably the best-est-est. There's that security... that no matter how ugly you look in a hospital gown, no matter how much you cry, no matter how many times you fail and basta... no matter what, you've got the bestest friends and the bestest family and the most amazing God and they're never gonna love you any less. :)

 There. At the end of every day, my hospital room was filled with so much love - and so much more food. Haha! There's always a pretty great feeling that comes with the realization that you've got people who will be there for you no matter what. You've been blessed with people who will love you no matter what...

Even if you get sick again and again and again [ I'M SORRY FAMILY ]
Even if loving you costs so much [ I'M SORRY PARENTS ]
Even if you'll need a lot of help in school [ I'M SORRY FRIENDS ]
Even if your heart turns to stone and you stop praying [ I'M SORRY GOD ]
Even if you try to shut everyone out [ I'M SORRY EVERYONE ]

One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that despite everything unlovable about you, you are still loved. With that comes assurance, security, contentment, gratitude... and well, to be honest, I really don't know if there's anything that matters more. :)

I guess "the light" that I mentioned earlier involved people. Maybe, for the nth time, God wanted me to know that it was okay to need people. I couldn't do things alone - and that's fine.  A good friend of mine shared her story before and said  something that hit home.

"God brought me down very low for me to realize that I couldn't bear the weight of my life alone - and for me to realize that I didn't have to." 

- Arianna Zamora, 2013

Pride is Taking Less Than You Need

There are times when you know exactly what you need and how much you need it. There's a clear picture in your head of how much easier life would be if you just humble myself and either ask for help or accept an offer or just do that thing that [ you know ] would make things easier.

Life could be that simple.
But, it isn't.

It isn't simple for people who are too proud to admit that they can no longer take it.
Because they will suffer silently for a long, long time, until they really can't anymore. And that's when they'll admit it.

It isn't simple for people who are too proud to ask for help.
Because they will strive to do things on their own, until they're left with absolutely no choice but to ask.

It isn't simple for people who are too proud to accept the love and care that other people give.
Because they will deny the fact that they need it to pull through, until circumstances force them to let people in.

They push, until they really can't.
They wait, until they really can't.
They fight, until they really can't.
They protect their pride, until they really can't.

Meanwhile, they take less than they really need.